A Penny for My Pensieve

We were moving on the first day of the new month, at the beginning of Friday. Three of us did Quran reading together after maghrib prayer to mark the beginning of the new journey.

If I could make some calculations of what this house is made of :

• 20% goes to the doctor’s sweat and blood, day in day out, weekdays, weekend, morning to late night, and I am grateful for everything he has done.
• 10% goes to someone whose energy, determination, discipline, and courage are fully invested to turn this house into a home.
• Another 10% goes to the blessings that the little girl brings and the prayers of our parents.

So, to whom the rest of the credit goes?

When I looked back to everything that we’ve been through, we did all the efforts that human can do and it just stops there.

We’ve actually been searching for a place of our own since 2013. We visited the very same apartment four times in few different years with a serious thinking of buying in mind. We calculated everything and thought we were really ready.

The weird thing was, there had always something stopped us for unclear reason. We just didn’t proceed. But, resumed again everytime.

Until there was one circumstance that made us have to rent in that exact apartment then we understood why there was always something that prevented us to buy it.

Our life there was quite good, but, definitely not the place we want to stay for a long time. In fact, we moved out three months earlier than the actual lease because life surprised us with a job offer from one of the best cities in the world and it changed our life forever.

In London, the house searching was once again beyond my imagination. I had marked so many places in the north London because I thought the tube line goes straight to the doctor’s hospital.

What I didn’t know was the process wasn’t that simple as we had here. Among so many places that I marked, we only managed to have two viewings. One was located above the grocery shop, another one came unfurnished, which both were not an option.

We only had few days left for our AirBnb rent and suddenly we found one, but in South East London, the complete opposite what I have planned. Since we had no choice, so we just went for the viewing.

We fell in love right away. It was beautiful residence and neighborhood by the river Thames in zone 2. Most of Indonesians chose zone 4 in the north because of the price and other considerations, but, we got this place so close to the city, with a better tube line, schools, little forest nearby, and so many more.

The administration was also another story but, it would be too long to put here. In short, we moved in just few days after and in one night I turned the rent into a home.

The story could go on and on, but, I’ll just stop here.

So, the rest 60% credit for this house goes to The One and Only Who enables everything for us, Who takes care of us wherever we go, Who shows ways out, Who listens to all those cries and pleads. The One Who allows us to have what we have.

He allows us to be healthy in spite of all the hard work we have to do, he opens so many doors we couldn’t even see. He protected us all through the way from the beginning to the end.

He literally fulfilled the smallest detail of the wishes, but, nothing comes easy and I fully understand that part, in spite of my loud whining.

In one of my regular morning readings in this new home, while having the whole house as my view, the two verses I read have this meaning :

“And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose. Verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion” (Quran 65:3)

“Let the man of wealth provide according to his means. As for the one with limited resources, let him provide according to whatever Allah has given him. Allah does not require of any soul beyond what He has given it. After hardship, Allah will bring about ease”.(QS 65 : 7)

No words beyond Alhamdulillah.

Adulthood hits differently.

It’s been few months hard actually, but surviving this January is another story.

When I thought I was already on the edge of my sanity, then more tests would appear to see if I still could take some more.

Since last year, building a nest from the scratch has been our most difficult challenge. We’ve been moving places, survived moving in and out cities and countries, but this one has been on another level.

The searching part took months long and not easy. We spent every weekend went here and there, called this and that, asked and did viewing around to so many places.The buying part stretched the head and heart to their maximum potential.

Then, here came the renovation part which turned to be like building from the scratch.

I supervised the rebuilding of my childhood home from the scratch in 1998-2000 while all the family members were living in another province in another island. I went around here and there with my late mother in 2012 to build another house, still remembered how tiring those experiences had been.

But, I didn’t have strong emotional attachment to any of them. I witnessed the processes, the progress, but, they weren’t my own projects. They didn’t cause me any sleepless nights or countless headaches, heavy breathing, or occasional crying. Even asthma returning daily.

When we finally decided to sign up for this, I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know it could be this level of hard and so beyond emotionally draining.

The twists.
The misses.
The cries.
The frustration.
The anxiety.
The countless checking to the smallest detail.
The continous daily nagging.
The repetitive reminder for a single work for weeks.
The hopelessness felt day by day for so many reasons.
When I thought I was being too fussy and maybe just let it flow to be more sane, but how? It’s all our sweat and blood. It takes more than money to arrive here and there’s no way I could just leave it without the best fight.

The process to turn the house into a home is another pain. I didn’t know we have to think about every single important thing, not just lovely decoration seen on the gram.

It doesn’t stop there.

Dealing with the countless decluttering, loading and unloading, packing and unpacking, moving big and small things from the apartment to the new house little by little, every single day, thinking about the new set up here and there.

Dealing with multiple appointments with technicians to set up the appliances, house decoration, house service and security and many more.

For the past three months, my daily view has been boxes, bags, trolley and trashes and it’s really torturing for someone who needs highly ordered and structured life to thrive. I mostly survive with the eyes on prize on my mind.

For the past three months, I also do a bare minimum parenting. More nagging than nurturing. Neglecting a lot of responsibilities, skipping many important details and just let it go.

For the past three months, I’ve lost interest to many things and the only thing I could think of is about the house and the moving.

Masya Allah, I have no idea before this is the unseen price we paid for buying a house.

For the past 6 years, we’ve been living in few different full service apartments which everything is covered and it has been really easy. I love living in apartments more than I could think of. A small space that is relatively easy to take care of, good and comfortable access to everything like food, shopping, entertainment, groceries, anything. It’s just one tap away from where we live. Whenever we encounter a problem, it’s just a call away to the reception and someone will ring the door and fix the problem.

Receiving any packages is another huge advantage that I would surely miss. Here, we don’t have to receive it on our own. Be it goods other food. It will be taken care of and we just have to pick it at anytime we’re available and it would be safe.

Return to live at home is a huge change. I am quite nervous actually. But, we finally decided to do this because we can’t grow when it’s too easy and small. There were times when everyone had online meetings altogether, we had no proper places to do it. Also, since we rent the place, there are a lot of things that we want to do but couldn’t.

I am also thinking a lot of my daughter too. Owning a house means having responsibilities and taking care one is the way to teach and prepare her for that. She has responsibilities too in the apartment but as she grows, she needs more to learn.

I don’t know where and how life would take from here. But, what I’ve always known that Allah’s timing never miss anything.

We actually had started looking since 10 years ago to own a place on our own. We had four times period where we almost bought an apartment in our first rent place. But, I didn’t know why we didn’t proceed every time it appeared. Like something always stopped us.

I couldn’t imagine dealing with such a huge decision other than now. I couldn’t count how many times He makes it possible so many impossible beyond calculations.

Behind all those exhaustion, I kept thinking about many things where we had it easy and it’s not small feats indeed. I kept telling myself to count all the blessings to balance all the hardships felt inside. It didn’t eliminate the headache, the cryings, but, to maintain the sanity and energy to keep pushing through until the finish line.

After almost two years of journey, so here is the new beginning on the first day of the new month in a place I wholeheartedly call 🏠.

Bismillah. Bismillah. Bismillah.

PS : don’t listen to any advices that you need to buy a house ASAP. In buying a house, especially in this country, you need to do it a.s.a.p. As slow as possible. Take your time, have as much money as possible to cover your other expenses other than the house bills (which is A LOT), do a lot of researches, viewings, and, loud praying.

Owning a house before 30 sounds cool, but, unless you already really know where you’ll be settling down for the next few years, it would be a good idea to hold the decision. Since we’re far from rich, has no parents to help us with this, it only makes sense we could only afford it at the end of our 30s. It takes time to save the money to afford the house and a home that we want. After several years of moving, I come to a conclusion that the law of buying a house is just like one for marriage. It’s not compulsory.