A New Season of Highs and Lows

I have so many saved drafts and unfinished writing. Is it one of the sign of brain rot?

Parenting has been tough lately, personally. I know teenager years would not be easy, but regular anxiety combined with low energy while dealing with unexpected surprises along the way, I feel like entering a dark of long tunnel phase once again.

It’a not always rainy, but, unlike the early years that I feel (more) confident with what I know and what I can do, this phase I feel so uncertain and anxious. Little things that I thought she should understand already, it turned out she hasn’t yet, I really need to balance between my reality and my expectations.

I am having a hard time sorting and classifying which ones need strong emphasis, which ones need just a gentle reminder, and which ones I can let go of so I don’t waste my precious energy sweating the small stuff.

I often wonder if I want to see quick result or too much expectations that make she felt misunderstood. But, couldn’t help to use the same reaction whenever things don’t go according to my expectations.

That’s actually pretty frustrating for me.

I told her that I don’t ask much, just some basic things that we’ve been doing for many years repeatedly.

I went to a psychologist, and my opening sentence was: “I feel like I don’t know who this girl is.”

I thought I knew a lot about letting go as the kids grow older. I might have done some technical parts that are actually giving me some advantages, but the real letting go is not only about freeing up some tasks, the real deal of letting go is bidding farewell to the baby girl version and ready to embrace, accept, and adapt the person she is becoming.

It’s actually beyond wild.
Words are not only sitting on my throat.
It’s somehow lost into thin air.
Blurry vision blocks my eyes.
Nothing prepared me from having such emotional rollercoaster and grieving in silence that childhood is officially over.
It’s not just twitching on my heart.
It’s wailing loudly and bleeding without the wound.

I really need to remind myself that this period needs me to use a different mindset than the one I had during childhood. I keep reminding myself of the fact that she is not the only one who grows up, I am too getting older but still need to grow.

This is actually another battle.

I read a book in 2020 about the curve of happiness which at that time, I was in a peak of my 30s. It explained, based on research, life curve will sharply and slowly declined in early forty to mid years and slowly climb again nearing 50.

At that time, I wondered, how it would be. But, since last (two) years, life has been pulling out of certain things that I thought were my granted comfortable chairs for life.

Family conflicts, the relationship that was once close now grows apart, the events that rings a bell that no season lasts forever and I am currently living on a new one.

In the end, I took it as a new learning experience that gives me more assurance, without continuous learning, preparing and updating our knowledge and understanding of how much life can throw at us, getting older is indeed expensive in number and senses.

My current battle is not only about dealing with my teenage daughter, the most confusing is actually dealing with this nafs inside. A question : “what’s wrong with me” has been asked more often than “what’s wrong with her?”.2

Dealing with many things at once takes extra calm and wisdom, and no shortcut to mastering both. It’s been a slow earning through responding to real-life problems.

But, to say it’s all storm is obviously unfair.

The older I get, the more I realize my big win isn’t the flashy one. It lies in ordinary things done consistently that contribute to the ultimate goal of life: peace of mind.

To be healthy, to enjoy things I love, to do my worship at my pace without rushing, to feel sufficient with what I have, to experience pleasure in taking care of everything under my command, to spend my time according to my heart’s content, having freedom, power, and options to decide things daily- there are no medals for such things and there’s no way you can buy such things online.

I pushed myself to finish this writing by sitting in a table facing the fountain and main road while sipping a cup of my favorite pumpkin spice latte (only found one that sells thisI around my distance).

I was joining a class before this and after it ended, I was handed a marker to sign a particular board that is only eligible for those who have marked 100 hours. Officially part of the club 100.

This class is actually one of my to-do items for mental well-being.

I actually have so much Alhamdulillah more than Astaghfirullah.