Author: arlanadya

For the last two years, at the end of December, I did a summary or some rant about things that happened in that year or my feelings about that. I didn’t plan to write any for this year. Not that I dont want to, but due to the high level anxiety towards next year. But, such incredible year is too important to let go.

If there’s anything we could take from everything we have been through this year, it is truly a great reminder to return and take care, first and foremost, basic things in life.

Mastering basic habits like sleep,eat and daily exercise well is a great advantage. Three things that have strong impact to our overall health, physically and mentally. Been writing few times that staying sane could be the most important achievement to deal with this year. Doing those three basic religiously is the (only) way to stay sane.

It’s also the year which truly show the real face of a country. Facing the same test given, each country deal with it differently. We surely have different situation and resources, but the main weapons to beat this pandemic are totally the same everywhere : wear your mask, wash your hands, avoid the crowd.

The main difference is the people. Personally, it feels like watching the result of the failure or the success from one’s educational system. I once wrote something about this here and just few weeks ago I found this picture below and voila, those the most resilience during this pandemic are exactly the same country with the best education system.

Reviewing the last 10 months of the situation here, lack of understanding and implementation about basic things and characters since early age is the root of all evils happened in this country and this pandemic brings out the worst of it.

We’re currently watching the result on the absence of some basic skills that supposed to be nurtured and mastered since early childhood :

Self discipline to deal with themselves in any situations. Following the rules, knowing right from wrong (like stealing social fund during this pandemic, really??), and many more.

Empathy to deal with others without prejudice, whatever background they have (like a neighbourhood who treats their own neighbour who suffers from covid like a germ that should be killed, I am lost for words).

Strong literacy and numeracy to understand how things work, the real situation scientifically, and make decision based on that (unlike the stupid useless government who’s been neglecting their people with their ignorance, killed so many who could have been saved, the highest death number of health care workers, and so many more).

I could go really long with this, but I wont.

This year is when gratitude and anxiety collide. Sometimes, it’s overwhelmingly confusing because you dont know which is the right one to feel. Looking back all the things happened, personally, it’s been a year full of countless blessings and a mere thank you to express the gratitude is not enough. It’s hard indeed, but to consider it’s bad, it doesn’t fit the definition.

But, whenever I look outside, it’s painful. I hope nothing but sincerely pray for everyone who’s been dealing with the hardships would be given the strength to keep going. This too shall pass.

Looking forward to next year, it would be a different battle to deal with. For me, January has always been the darkest winter. Literally and figuratively. By next week, we will return to the less humane (a polite way to say inhumane) shift schedule for the doctor.

My anxiety level was soaring while reading next month schedule yesterday and it’s only few days from now. Bad thought were running wild uncontrollably. The only way to soothe this is through the best ikhtiar and the highest tawakkul. Accept that we have no slightest power to control about the future nor the past.

Is the anxiety gone now? You bet.

Borrowing one of musical terms, 2021 seems like a Da Capo of previous years ago regarding few things like the shift schedule, some of daily life stuffs. In the other hand, it seems like a Dal Segno for certain part regarding the things happened outside. Like in London and some countries, it’s almost totally back to March again.

But, just like every Da Capo and Dal Segno, they all lead to al Fine. So we hope for this pandemic. It will lead to the end, although it would be best to keep our expectation low about the when.

Hope everyone always stay safe, healthy, and sane.

Amin.

PS : It’s quite hard to keep the tone that I want in the usual year end post.

These days it feel like living a throwback few years ago. The uncomfortable days of having constant thought called “What’s next?”.

This time, it even feels more intense because it wrapped with guilts and insecurities. Guilty about being far above ‘fine’ during this unprecedented year, insecure about the next things to do personally. I have several choices but dont really know how to start. Or maybe, still not really sure about starting it. I feel like torn between upgrading what has been running or starting new from the scratch.

I often wonder whether it is the side effect of staying at home all day with the little girl and it will be more months to go, or maybe another year? Even scarier knowing being outside, meeting with people is also not so recommended thing to do.

Unlike the last six months in London where I felt safe and so relieved being outside, here in Jakarta, whenever I am outside, I feel like my temperature rises and unwell. I continously keep reassuring myself everytime I go outside that I really have to do this and it’s for something essential.

After more than a year of absence from driving, I couldnt believe what a day of driving did to my body. No matter what the advertisings out there said, age doesnt lie. I felt like need two days rest after one day driving. How I missed reliable public transportation in London!

I am worried about many things and as always, it made me read more. As a result, I ended up with more worries. Blimey!

But, I took a tiny step today. For the first time in 10 years and months of consideration, I finally decided to upgrade the blog to a paid one for a simple reason : I want more of unposted London pictures in my blog and I need more storage for that.

For someone who’s too careful about money, deciding to spend money on something that could be done for free, then it must be really important. Thus, it took me months to come at such decision.

Congratulations on finding a tiny way out from your labyrinth, dear self.

Keep figuring out the rest of your homeworks.

It’s been two weeks since the end of our London days. Two crazy weeks of so many high tension and risky things with current situation. It’s a huge relief that we have been through everything safely.

Finally found another nest to rest for next one year. Repeating the cycle of house viewings for the third time in three years. Taking risks meeting strangers because we didnt have any choice other than that. Luckily, we found one that we liked quickly and all the process went smoothly. After a week of staying at Airbnb, we moved in.

Filling the house was another story. Countless shopping sessions, boxes of decluttered things at the old home, moving things here and there, arguing about things to buy, taking care minor defects that suddenly appeared.

After one week in holiday mode and another week in unsettled house, I couldn’t be more grateful to be finally feel at home and just stay at home without thinking about things we didn’t have and haven’t done. I couldn’t be happier to be finally able to return to daily routines. Breakfast with choices, piano training with the little girl, exercise with Heather, arranging cooking and meal schedules, and many more.

The whole this moving thing is surely tiring. But, if I looked back, I would choose doing this all over again than any other choices.

Next week would be another different jungle to face when the doctor will resume work. It feels walking on the thin line between overthinking of the worst case and putting the highest trust on the Protector of all things. Trying hard to keep the balance to avoid falling into the despair.

Keeping the sanity is a tough job this year. All the uncertainties, unpleasant surprises, sad news, and the sudden changes happened in an instant, staying sane is such an underrated achievement. The tiniest victory, baby step progress, they deserve celebration.

As tiny as being able to beat subuh and resume sahur after two weeks of absence, like today.

The decision to return was (also) a battle between the right over easy.

We dont have any obligations to return. Went here by our own expense, no official agreement with any places.

We got our visa extended for free by the government to another year even several offers to stay for good. People here kept questioning our decision to return.

It took months until I fully accept the idea. We’re about to lose all the safe and secured environment and heading to unknown jungle. I once again might return to the high tension of the first three months of first lockdown. Even worse. We’re about to lose all the support receieved for the little girl in her school. We leave when the vaccine is few weeks away.

I have many tantrums until this point. I am selfish. Judging for months about the way the official handling the crisis, oh COME ON. I am sick of this shitty government.

We’re about to lose many while having a choice to choose the opposite.

It started changing when I read one of the doctor’s email reply saying his old hospital at home was still struggling with the pandemic and they could use another help from him, then again, whether I like it or not, it’s the only right thing and reason.

” Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for,” said Mark Manson. A page of Brene Brown Dare to Lead has a word to describe it.

“Integrity is chooing courage over comfort. It’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy and it’s about practising your value not just professing them”.

But maybe, the most important thing, above everything, it’s about putting the utmost trust to the one who decides all affairs. Allah has been taking great care of us everywhere. He will do the same, no matter what situation we have to deal with anywhere in this world.

Taking this option is about doing the right thing so we wont look back with regrets. In whatever price we have to pay in the future.

Bismillah. bismillah. bismillah.

Been told the little girl since last month that we would write cards to each of her classmates and teachers to say our thanks and good bye.

Making a little kid wrote around 35 letters, that was tough. Thus, the manager planned doing it in six sittings for three weeks, every weekend.

Some writings were untolerably messy and should be thrown to the bin and asked her to redo it. Some sessions were rainbows while the other one needed high tension negotiation.

In the end, we got the job done.

No fruit and veggies to share allowed this year for birthday (which is a yay), so the brain should think another way. The teacher at school suggested stickers.

Sudden idea came during my walking alone in London session just few days before the d-day. Thought a pin badge with the color of her class and the initial would be a better idea than stickers.

Buying written cards and stickers might be easier and cheaper, but a hand writing with effort and a pin badge seemed better as a souvenir for something that you treasure dearly. Along with the card and the badge, we add books for everyone to enjoy.

On the doctor’s last working day in his hospital, we planned to buy pizza. But, we reconsidered the idea once again and decided to have a signature Indonesian food made by proper Indonesian cook.

We initially ordered certain amount of servings and ended up adding few more, afraid that it wont cover ‘everyone’ properly.

Pizza is surely easier and cheaper, but authentic Indonesian Mie Goreng, it’s something they wont find just anywhere.

Everyone was impressed by two things. First, asked him repeatedly : “How much do you spend for this?!” and the second was of course the food until it became the talk of the hospital for the whole week.

For everything that we have received here, giving a proper farewell within our means is the way we return all the favors. But above all, because it’s the right thing to do.

This date marked the eighth years since I bid farewell to the one who taught me about doing the right things and things right as much as we can in any circumstances and showed how to do a proper farewell until the last breath.

For every right things I have done, all credit goes to her.

Al fatihah.