Author: arlanadya

Some periods of life are meant to be fully living while some other periods are dedicated for surviving.

In spite of knowing both will come and be on repeat like a cycle, it doesn’t make the heart becomes lighter when the low starts rolling.

In spite of knowing that the anxiety and the worry won’t change anything, they are still here and make the sunny days seem gloomier.

Currently, it feels like living in limbo for many reasons. It’s period of waiting during transition, unclear of many next things to come and it’s totally uncomfortable. It feels like losing control and peace of mind feels too far to reach. Everything seems fall into a wrong place.

You fear what you don’t know, they said. Obtaining big chunks of information becomes my self-therapy and it works for short period of time. But the dark clouds always return somehow.

Basically, I knew all the theory to deal with this. Accepting that these days are the low ones and it won’t be here forever, what’s so hard about that? But, living day by day with this heavy heart, wake up with no courage, bed time becomes an escape, it is scary.

When the wheels are on the low,

Day walks too slow.

The wind won’t blow.

Night runs too fast

As if it’s being chased

But, we know this too shall pass.

So much to feel.

So little to write.

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So many words to say.

So little voice to elaborate.

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So much dark clouds inside.

So little sunshine outside.

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So many problems to solve.

So little ability to sort.

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So much fear for the future.

So little courage in the present.

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So many questions asked.

So little answers receieved.

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So much happiness given.

So little gratitude returned.

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So many battles to fight.

So little energy to start.

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So much tears to cry.

So little smile to display.

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When things get tough,

doing your best feels far from enough.

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But, there’s no space for rest.

Because there’s no time to waste.

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Try hard to keep in mind

those efforts are safely stored

until the right time defines

kind of result we deserve

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So I hope.

There is certain anxiety level that no amount of good sleep, good food, good book, good show, good music, or even good exercise and good long pray can make the anxious feeling away.

This certain level of anxiety could only be tamed (a little bit) by…

scrubbing the whole bathroom.

Scrubbing hard every part of the bathroom feels like scrubbing the darkness felt inside, watching the dirt away feels like watching some light slowly appears.

It doesn’t solve the problem, but it surely helps to think more clearly and chase the right amout of monster inside.

Whenever it feels too suffocating, bathroom cleaning is my escape.

• On reading many samples book on google play,

“So many interesting books, so limited budget”.

• After reading and watching some videos about the best education around the world,

“Is it really possible to catch up with these kids with our current old style/conventional school/method? If yes, when?”

• On dealing with this lockdown (by schedules, by closure, by anxiety, worry, and whatever),

“Were that London days real? Why these three months feel like forever?Why being grateful feels so hard these days?”

• Being with the little girl 24/7 without break, being her teacher in every subject, it starts getting more suffocating. But, witnessing how her language seems regressing, it made me whine louder.

“I want break. Proper break. I am so tired.

Also me,

“Where else should I search for therapists? What do I miss?”

Whinning changes nothing.

But, there are times that I don’t want to hear any flowery words and just embrace the hard days as they are. To complain. To not compare what I have with what others dont. To feel as low as it can be. To drop everything and just doing nothing.

(Maybe) I’ll pick up myself better tomorrow.

Or next week. So I thought.

It turns out there is something bigger than my whinnings and it makes the hard days feel slightly better.

The daily habits.

No matter how hard it is, I no longer could stop myself of waking up at 4.30 and ready for breakfast.

No matter how shitty it feels, I couldn’t stop myself to do the least morning routines : reading and piano lesson with the little girl.

No matter how low it seems, I couldn’t stop myself from doing afternoon exercise with Heather. Even it’s only for 20 minutes.

No matter how messy I look, I couldn’t stop myself from tidying up the house, cleaning the sink from dishes, and start preparing meals for next days.

Last but not least, pressing the publish button in this app.

The good habits build during good days saved myself during the bad ones.

For countless times.

Recently, I read a journal about understanding generation alpha. It provides some interesting takes about these 2010-2025 born children who will be the largest generation of the history in the world.

Generation Alpha is defined by technological devices like smartphones and tablets, and smart speakers that speak back to you.

Like the little girl who always calls Alexa for doing the job that human usually does,

“Alexa, turn on tv!

“Alexa, what time is it?”

“Alexa, what’s the weather like today?”

Until few years ago, it’s totally unthinkable to do learnings in such ways we do right now. More, for small children like this alpha bunch. But, when change is unavoidable, the only way to survive is to adapt.

Three months without registered in any formal schools, as a parent and teacher, I am amused, amazed, and confused by these drastic changes that happened in learning.

Amused by how easy to learn about anything we want on our finger tips. How fluent this kid on navigating all these technologies. Something that is totally unavailable when I was at her age. There’s so much truth in the hadith which said that we should educate our children according to their time, not ours.

Amazed with the whole new ways of learning that we have to adapt, like doing online lessons, teaching and learning subjects without headache thanks to those brilliant apps.

There is one app called Numbots for learning basic Math. We got this from her previous school in London during last year lockdown. We were lucky that this one is still available for us to use. She is the only one in her class who is still religiously playing with this app.

Other than amused and amazed, I am also confused by the huge, wide, range of choices available and sometimes it feels overwhelming to decide what’s and what’s not important.

“Do the kids at her age really need to know about this?” me to my self everytime I am doing some research about her lesson.

For me, current schooling and learning become so easy, yet tricky and scary.

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The highlight of doing this homeschooling on our own is the freedom to decide whatever we want to learn.

Being strict with the basic seven days a week for Math, Reading-Writing, Piano and Quran. But, totally relax about the rest.

This week is about fulfilling the promise made to write to a friend. Albeit the current tech we have, we’re going back to the basic this time.

A hand writing letter, with paper and envelope. Instead of clicking the send button on the screen, to post office we went. Glued the stamps on the envelope and let the other things beyond our control decide whether it will reach the receiver or not.

Sometimes I wonder whether these kids miss a lot or not at all about not being able to experience the way people before them do things in the past.

In some ways, homeschooling fits us so well. The flexibility, the slow pace, the excitement of learning. No unnecessary pressure of doing something for the sake of score/test. It’s liberating. The response whenever I said,

“Shall we have a break today from study time?”
(I love break so much!)

would be

“No! we have to study!”

There’s nothing more I want and hope that her future school will keep such flame alive.

Last year take on the same title.

Life really happens for everyone in the span of this one year alone. A year full of painful grief in one side yet somehow, certain things enjoy massive growth in the other side.

Vaccine developed within a year only and some countries are really agressive on delivering the jab to their most vulnerable people, like The UK. Some other countries who handle this pandemic with brain and heart lost the least lives possible and now slowly enjoy the life close to BC time, like our neighbour in Australia and New Zealand.

Life in the time of Corona in Jakarta is not much different in terms of spending most of the time at home. The time we went back to Jakarta, The UK entered the second national lockdown as the new variant spread and school closure was unavoidable, until now.

The doctor has returned to inhumane shift schedule life and left us with only one to none free weekend in a month. Thankfully, he has secured full vaccine jab. The surface anxiety might be slightly reduced from the first month, but the heart is still asking desperately each day for the utmost protection.

Without formal school, other than having this menu at home, the little girl has an one-on-one online class for her piano lesson and another offline one for gymnastic. So far, online class is quite a headache. But, we still decide to keep it so she experiences another teacher other than her mother. Meanwhile, the private gymnastic offline class has been great. It’s been few months and she has been showing good progress.

We enrolled her to this gymnastic class for one specific purpose. To replace the occupational therapy she needs for her DLD/DCD with the closest thing we could have in this current situation. Yesterday, the coach talked to me that she was really happy with her progress and sent me pictures of her holding the hand stand by herself. Said that her hands were getting stronger also the balance was also getting better. The happiest part was when reading a text saying the coach loved teaching this little girl because she was always doing her best effort and kept trying until she made it.

That’s truly my little girl.

Never underestimate what a simple kind sentence can do. It is more than enough to made someone’s day and put her into a good night sleep.

While yours truly, other than juggling with house chores and other things, she enjoys returning to the language class that she has been craving for years. I am torn between amused, amazed, and confused how different it really is from the last time I had it 10-12 years ago. From the classmates to the way of teaching.

I was with those 20s something working friends when I was doing it in 2008-2010. Meanwhile now, I am the oldest among everyone (even the teacher!). My classmates are those early 20s something girls or even as young as 19 yo one.

I might be better in the language skill because I have learned for many years, but I am surely close to zero in technology part. It gives me a headache sometimes and I would be totally clueless without the help from this younger friends when it comes to learning language using so many kind of new apps and games. But then, it feels so refreshing to return in the classroom and learning again. I am happily grateful for this chance.

There are times when I feel deeply worried about the time lost for the little girl to play freely outside, meeting with friends of her age, and the uncerainty about return to the school because online learning with so many other students is very likely will work for her. Found this article which showed what the true loss for the children during this pandemic.

If we move the chair to the other side, we can view this time as a huge opportunity for her. An opportunity for us to prepare her better before she should handle the pressure to deal with the social life at school with her friends and teachers here, which, as we have experienced, is totally different with the ones we had in London.

I dont really worry about her cognitive. From the time we were in London to the daily study we do at home, she can keep up with adequate support. But, for social skill, it’s not only about her and her efforts. She needs the help from others like she had in Alfred Salter. She needs as much kindness and space for her to make meaningful friendship with others.

As I wrote this before, that has been my number one pray in every places we go. For us to meet the kind ones.

That would be more than enough.

After one year, I still keep my harsh tones for the way this brainless and heartless government handles this pandemic, yet the only thing to stay sane by keep going daily with the thought that we would never walk alone.

Hopefully, we would see much better situation in the near future. I can’t hope things to return to the old normal since there are certain things that I wish to keep them as we do in this life in the time of Corona.

What I need desperately to return is the free and secure feeling of living.