Category: Life happens

My mother was once very poor until she had to live for several years on the back part of her cousin’s house.

She told me how she had to watch how her cousins had a lot of beautiful shoes that she really wanted while she only got this one pair which she had to fix it with nails whenever the soles were broken.

When I was little, I remembered had quite pairs of leather shoes which models were unique while she had also some pairs with different colors.

She was indeed a strong-willed one, had goals in life and be focused on achieving all of them. I am quite lucky she inherited those traits to me.

Among six, she was the only one who managed to finish her college, went abroad and traveled to many places. She repeated that story continuously, but I considered it just a story that was quite hard to relate since it was totally far from my reality.

After the little girl came, all those words cameback to me. I finally realized how much work had done by previous generations so the current one could enjoy a better start in life.

In raising a child and achieving anything, money makes things easier. But, its function stopped there.

We need time and energy. Without time and energy, money alone won’t take you anywhere.

It became clear how significant the privileges passed from her grandparents could do in raising her.
The privileges here aren’t about money or material possessions.
There are some privileges that parent unconsciously (or intentionally) give to their children like :

• habit
• mindset
• lifestyle

No child has the same parents although they come from the same parents. What one child remembered about their parents could be totally different from the others. Thus, the privileges inherited also different.

My mother and her siblings were the real proof. None of her siblings could have half of what she achieved. Among five, only one managed to finish college. The four left don’t live much differently than they have been since many years ago

Been having a conclusion for a while that a child is actually the product of their grandparents parenting, UNLESS, the parents make significant changes, good or bad. This was what my mom did.

She refused to continue living the same way so that was why she planned almost everything in her life to be at the better place than she was before.

There’s also the saying “if you fail to educate your children, you’ll end up raising you grandchildren” which rings true. Her sister up until her old age is busy raising her grandchildren.

The saying from zero to hero back to zero in three generations is not a myth. It might hard to believe when I heard that my mother’s grandfather was one of the richest men in his hometown. By the third generation, not much left. Look what happened to his granddaughter.

Maybe this is why you should talk a lot to your children. You never know where the influence of your words stop. It’s also quite important to learn about your family history. So the past mistakes could be avoided at all cost.

When you inherited good privileges, it’s a strong reason for not being lazy and throw away those hard-earned privileges. It should be passed on to the next generation.

The future life won’t be any easier so there’s no reason to make a child life easy. What they enjoy now is not something that they should take for granted. They might have a completely different reality for their own life later, which we surely want it to be a better one, don’t we?

Thus, there’s no shortcut other than to do the works. It’s truly the parents job to prepare them, for them to be able to live on their own.

Make them work hard, doing daily habit until it becomes part of them that no one couldn’t take, set the standard to do things in life, and many more.

If only we know how little time we have to prepare them for everything to deal with their own life later.

Keep climbing is not an option, it’s an obligation.

An opening post for a self reminder for not being complacent to deal whatever I have to do with little girl.

A line that I regularly tell her :

“Be focused now. Being poor is not an option”.

I entered this year with much heavier heart than two previous years. This year becomes a ten year marker from the incredible 2012.

Looking back to many things that happened ten years ago, I am still trembling remembering how I went through month by month of 2012.

I entered that year with high level of confidence and excitement until I thought at certain point, I forgot to realize human could only plan, but, we had no slightest control for the end result. We had the right to fight and make our dreams come true, but not how the way it came true.

Every single dreams granted, according to Him. Not according to what I imagined. In 2012, I felt like being dragged to the lowest point to show me who got the highest control of my life.

Three grand things granted yet three VIPSs taken. Losing three closest family members from mother’s side, accomplished two 20s big dreams and a life changing milestone, all within a year.

Apart from the big news, there were countless little (heart-breaking) moments in between.

The first residency exam failure, a longer distance relationship while preparing the wedding within months. From KL-Jkt, to JKT-Borneo, Mecca-JKT until the very last minutes. I even thought whether we really could make it until the big day with so many episodes dealing with dramas here and there. It felt surreal having bendera kuning (yellow flag as a sign of death) just two weeks before putting the janur kuning (yellow plant as a sign of a wedding) at my dad’s home.

Usually, what makes me survive hardships is the thought “when things already on its worst shape, then it will only get better.

But, it didn’t applicable in that year. It was like moving from one bad circumstance to another. There was break in between, but until the very end of the year, the heart had been so overwhelmed and overworked dealing with grieves, dissapointment, fear, and high level of anxiety.

It felt surreal to experience all the emotions a human could feel in a whole year.

I was and am still more than amazed I could pass such year alive.

Maybe what helped to stay sane at that time was I wrote everything. Certain pain from 2012 lasts till today. No cure for such pain yet, it doesn’t prevent me to keep moving on. Those writings feel like a pain reliever while going on with life. Ten years later, reading all those writings became huge consolations for me.

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Been through a lot for the past ten years. From the best thing beyond the wildest imagination to the worst thing beyond expectation.

Good to great things that I though could never be mine found their way to greet me in the strangest possible ways. Unbelievably amazing.

Bad to the worst ones that I thought could only exist in fictional stories, also made their way to reach me through the most unexpected way. There were periods when I kept asking what I did to deserve this, but I could hear the answer right away, “Why shouldn’t you?”

These past ten years have been the roller coaster ride for someone who expects life would be as flat as potato chip. Or maybe cassava one.

Going through a lot of things surely contributes to slightly higher level of wisdom, but, the level is only as high as knowing that no matter how bad things seem to be, it won’t make stop the world from spinning.

Your world might be shattered, but life will keep going as if nothing happens. Life doesn’t care about your opinion.

It feels easy when we see it easy, yet it is messy when we want it to be messy. Our choice.

These past ten years make me fully realize you’re mostly on your own. Whatever happens to you, you have to deal with them on your own. Nothing and no one could help without yourself doing, fixing, and figuring out yourself how to deal with everything.

Again, it’s actually good news knowing it depends on no one but ourselves as well as bad news that we’re the one who should do the dirty works.

Staying sane in adulthood is a tough job indeed.

———————————————-

This year might not as ‘tough’ as it was ten years ago. But, the anxiety felt was pretty much the same, only in another department. Started the year with the biggest turmoil in the small business so far. Days felt like weeks. Woke up each day with heavy breathing, went through it by waiting for the progress, no matter how small. It went well at the end, with certain price.

Following months were not better. Another anxiety followed about how to keep to cut someone from the bussiness. It had dragged too much already because I was too lazy and afraid thinking what I would do without the longest person stayed that knew everything about running the store. Thing kept getting worse and on a Tuesday night, I pull the trigger and did the shot.

What a relief.

Done? Ho ho ho.

Then, months of headaches continued. Started rearranging everything with the old and newcomers. As first it was fine. Until the last old one who already stayed also handed in his resignation request a month after.

I had no tears left.

Five years from starting the small business, it was as if we started from zero once again. With all new members who were only no less than three months.

Show must go on.

Again, days felt like years this time. I kept waking up thinking “let’s get through this” day by day. Mistakes happened not twice a year, but twice a week. I was fully responsible here.

I am not one who stays all through the day, seven days a week. The answer because of what written here. Couldn’t do two full time jobs at once.

Before pandemic, I have done remote working and it works so far, not extremely well, but it works. I even ran it from 11.000 km away. My instructions were to the tiniest details.

Having all new members at once gave me daily headaches. For three months, I was dealing with nonstop complaints until I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

But, good thing is, I rarely quit when things get hard. It gives me more reason to keep going until it feels easy.

Slowly, things got better. Suddenly, the peaceful days return with minor and not much harm mistakes along the way. Alhamdulillah.

That when personal life took its turn with my dad in law sudden decline and passing. I might be just a daughter in law, but it took me sometime until I feel it’s real that he’s no longer with us.

Of course, it’s not all low this year.

Celebrating eight years working as a mother, ten years surviving life together, Moving to a new place, The trips done, the papers signed, ticked off two biggest family plans after massive savings for the past two years thanks to pandemic which makes traveling less tempting.

For all those things granted, Alhamdulillah spelled countlessly.

I have been thinking passing 2012 safely was an achievement to be proud of, guess I would say all the same for 2022.

Bismillah for the next 365 days ahead.

Two high schoolers met in 2002 without knowing the dramas they would face for the next ten years ahead.

Fast forward ⏩

Two years of preparations while doing multiple long distance, among three griefs and countless setbacks throughout the year, it felt surreal to finally sign the paper at the end of 2012.

Both were jobless.One just finished master degree, the other one freshly enrolled to residency. Near zero saving à grace the wedding.

But, that didn’t stop her making an excel sheet for the wedding money. Made a report and returned 20% of it to both parents. Shared 30% to other family members.

The rest 50% went to them.
Instead of using everything, put 80% of it to the untouchable instrument and tried to survive few first months with the last 20% while looking for other streams.

Downgraded everything. The resident had been driving a car around since high school. Being married made him walking and riding angkot as early as 5 am, as late as 12 am. Ojek was out of budget.

Signed the paper meant agreed to two new roles : a wife and a breadwinner, didn’t prepare for an additional one. Mother left just two weeks before the wedding and took over her responsibilites at home was unavoidable.

Been working for 10 years before marriage and knew exactly what number is sufficient. What needed at that time was time and space to stay sane and just ‘enough’ money to support this family.

Secured one job with flexible schedule and looked for another to support the resident.

Once so close signing with another work who accepted her T&C. Before the pen touched the paper, saw a little important detail that had been discussed missing. Said they would fix it after signing. Closed the pen and left.

Being penniless doesn’t mean no choices. It’s just limited. This too shall pass spelt continously.

In spite of many things life threw, they survived. Other than many helps from invisible hands, what also helped was both had 80% done with themselves. Did what they wanted to do,went places,not much what-if left.

Low on money but highly self-aware. Financially fragile yet mentally strong to handle the shittiest days.

Those only felt good in memories, not in reality.

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The burden of adulthood is not something one should take lightly. Asking another person to share the burden should be considered carefully, thought repeatedly, and chosen wisely.

Gonna spend most of the lifetime with someone who will decide what life will look like in the next 20,30 years down the line. We’re about to choose the father (or mother) of our child(ren).

Use more of the head more than the heart when it comes to marriage.

Write down everything. Be specific about the non-negotiables. Don’t compromise. Do the math. Take your time. Discuss everything. Make sure the values aligned.

Ask in details to The One who grants all the request. He granted even a wish as simple as “I dont want any sister-in-law (sister from the husband)”.
No pray is silly enough.

Not much could be said once one entered the jungle other than good luck and lower the expectations.

Done? Lower some more. Expect (and always be prepared for )the worst. A human heart is not a solid form. It’s more fluid than liquid.

This is so far the highest risk decision made in life.

When all has been done, all requirements met, things still won’t get any easier.

The past ten years were exhausting, heart-breaking,
yet on the other side,
it’s been amazing and exhilarating.Things happened beyond expectations.

Ten years from 2012, we managed to find the way not only to provide ourselves but also for others, to tick each other’s dreams, to raise a human being, to travel to many places, to deal with countless episodes of life challenges and many more.

On this tenth year, we took a small step to execute two biggest family plans thanks to two years of pandemic that made travel less tempting.

You won’t find any sugary words here. But, making me write such a long post with countless editing for weeks, that should explain a lot.

Personally, two decades with any kind of ships with a-previously-stranger is a milestone.

I am grateful (with a pinch of salt and sincere heart) more than any words written here or anywhere that the Boss up there paired me to work, navigate life (up until this point) with this partner I have.

Alhamdulillah for everything.
Bismillah for the third leg, mate!

Another episode where life comes full circle once again after 30 years orbiting the sun.

It returned to the same place and spot, with 30x better quality, be it the picture or the performance. It returned to the same place and same spot with completely new perspective.

Last Sunday wasn’t only about witnessing the 7 year old on the right very first offline performance but also (or more about) witnessing how much that 7 year old on the left has grown.

I owe this place more than I could think of.