I read once that someone asked this man about what marriage advice he could give.
I loved how this man responded to such a question,
“After 25 years of marriage, the best advice I could give is no advice. The longer I am married, the shorter my advice. I feel like I have no competency in giving any marriage advice”.
It hit me hard reading that.
Usually, older adults will give you lots of advice when asked such questions. They will provide tips and tricks about what to do or shouldn’t do.
Being married myself, I realized that the man above was correct. There are no specific bits of advice like one size fits all. One don’t or do might work for some couples but might not work for others. Whatever principles you hold firmly before marriage might be the ones you throw to the deepest place inside because, after a long battle, it is not the right thing to do; it is not the best option once you zoom out and consider all the consequences in the future if you choose that.
This is just not me. I recently finished a book that confirmed such a thing.
This book told about one of the research with the most significant samples out there about how to predict whether people would be happy in their relationship or not.
These are a few of their findings :
“No algorithm in the world can predict with enourmous accuracy, whether two people will end up happy together”.An enjoyable reading with great insight
It also actually reminded me of another relationship book; this one is quite famous and largely quoted everywhere. Written by two relationship researchers couple that said, based on long years that happened in their lab, they could predict whether the couple will survive their marriage or not with 95% accuracy. They were able to do this by analyzing thousands of couples from the way they interact with each other.
The BookThe excerpt
Well, in the end, no matter how many relationship books I have read, I always remembered what the man above said whenever some younger people in my current volunteer asked some questions about this.
Kind of responses I gave only the short ones because they were the only things I considered doable: “Don’t rush. Enjoy yourself a lot. Ask with the utmost details about what kind of person you want to deal with life with, and let God do the rest”.
If Forest Gump said that life is just like a box of chocolate, you’ll never know what you will get. For me, that is exactly what marriage is.
It’s the third week since the beginning of the new school year, so we kinda have a new schedule daily at home. It’s actually just a slight change in the little girl’s school hours but, for me, for the past three weeks, it’s been quite a struggle.
I remembered one of my readings that said having no free time is stressful, but do you know what is the most stressful? It’s having too much free time.
I am currently struggling to deal with longer leisure hours daily. It feels like I keep looking for something yet, I haven’t found what. I have to rebuild my routine from the scratch once again until I could feel comfortable with it.
It is actually not the first time. Since 2019, when I finally left the job I had for 15 years, that was exactly the first time I faced such struggle. Not only that, moving across continents added to the pressure.
But, the more uncomfortable I had been, the more intense the searching. So far, I always find what I am looking for in the end. But, you know, the process of starting all over again, it is such a pain in the mind.
The struggle is combination of feeling guilty because the brain keeps telling that I should have been more useful than this, feeling confused to decide what such leisure time worth doing, and last but not least, the tiredness of thinking of weekly plan. The thinking part is the hardest job of all.
But, does it mean I want to return to the regular day when everything is fixed and I just have to run day by day doing the same thing?
Hoho, that would be the scariest feeling of all.
I keep telling my self that whatever struggle you deal with, it’s many times better option than returning to phase of life that was finished. No advantage of repeating the cycle once again.
The hardship of navigating new directions is totally normal and it’s more reasons to keep looking, but turning back is never an option.
This is kind of spontaneously written post when I face Monday without a solid plan.
I had been dreaming of setting my feet in Paris for more than 20 years and finally checked the list in my 30s.
All the road to make it happen, all the price paid for just a single dream.
The little girl is not even ten and has been to this lovely city twice. Without really knowing and understanding what it took to get here (and many other places she has been to).
There were times when I asked myself, “What would she become of being raised in a situation where such a hard-earned thing like going abroad feels like a regular thing to do?”
Something that both of her parents ever had growing up. Maybe once every ten years or more, but not as often as we have been (by my personal standard, this is way too often).
Raising a human being is a tricky business indeed. Less is more, I agree, especially for the material things. Children care and need more of our presence or attention than the literal money we earn.
But, the short period spent with them is another thing that should be considered. When one thinks 18 years are long, this is wrong. We even have less than that to teach and transmit everything we want to. There’s an expiration date for parents to have significant influence in their children’s life.
Traveling is about maximizing such a ‘short’ period together, giving the most important education outside the classrooms and Zoom meetings, to transmit as many values as possible I wish her to have and hold. This period is like preparing her for the upcoming trips she would have later, hoping she has enough resources before she finally takes off with her life journey insya Allah.
I don’t have the slightest regret of every single trip we took her to. No matter how difficult they were. No matter how much we spent for them. Money (always) returns, the time won’t.
(This sounds like I am trying to convince myself).
She might not really ‘care’ about all those trips as much as I do. She might appreciate less fascinating things than all the places we’ve been to (like more time playing toca boca than walking around the city alleys under the sun with me). She might not remember all these things as much as I did, but hopefully, there would be something beneficial later from all those journeys we had, which I don’t know what. Yet.
Perhaps, a bit of good-to great-memories that made her smile when life gets tough is more than enough.
Shadow wefie in Paris within seven years of difference.
Such an intense trip deserves more rants. Guess this is the last one.
Last trip was another hard lessons for myself about the importance of tawakkul, which also much correlated with Tauhid.
From myislam.org :
Tawakkul is having complete trust or reliance in Allah. For all affairs, Allah Almighty is capable, sufficient, and knowing so we should rely on him alone.
Tawḥīd or al-tawḥīd (also spelled touḥīd or tawḥeed) is an Arabic word, which literally means “unification” or “asserting oneness.”
Faith and religion are something personal, and I rarely want to talk about this. But, last trip was too intense, too chaos, too much of anything I felt until it was too impossible for us to return safely, unless it was the mercy of Allah. I really wanted to remember what really happened, what was on my mind during those periods.
The trip was such a strong reminder that you might be overly meticulous planning everything as much as you can, but nothing would prevent you from having everything goes against your plans.
Fully understand that life rarely goes according to the plan. That is one reason to not only rely on ourself in everything. More, in the place when we barely knew anyone, didn’t speak a single word of their language, when no one was having advantage to help us, the urgency to rely on something greater than ourself was even bigger.
The moment when we’re denied check in for Porto-Paris flight was one of worst moments in traveling.
After a long queue to check in the counter, when the officer said we couldn’t use this ticket because we didn’t take the first flight without any notifications, so the airline cancelled the whole flight, my heart was shattered.
My mind was racing here and there.
The officer handed me an email address which I skeptically received, knowing it wouldn’t do much to help us. Who in the world would reply an email on Saturday morning?
We went to a corner trying every single way possible to contact the airline from any platforms. The airline doesn’t have any office in Porto. We couldn’t make a call because we didn’t use any sim card that allowed us to make a call.
An airline whatsapp seemed work for a moment, but it wasn’t really. I already offered the only solution I knew at that time, buying a new ticket for afternoon flight. It was far from the best solution, because it means we missed the whole day and should pay another amount. The doctor still tried to find a way to talk to the airline call center.
At that time, I looked around and saw the long queue in the check in counter was clear. No single passenger was seen. I moved my feet to return to the counter.
I mustered my courage and faced that lady once again. Tried hard to keep my calm and talked without trembling, while kept looking at my watch. The flight would depart in an hour. I kept talking to myself along the way.
My self talk wasn’t about the positive affirmation to myself, but, sincere pleading to The One Who Takes Care all affairs, One who owns the heart of every human being, to help me to go through what I should go through at that moment.
“We couldn’t reach anyone who could help us with this, can you help me, please?”
“Have you make a call?”
“No I haven’t, I can’t. We have tried all the platforms to talk to the airline, but it didn’t work,”
“Ok, I try to call it for you, not sure there will be someone right now”.
Judging from her face and her tone, she was obviously didn’t do it happily, which I totally understood.
At that time, the doctor was already on the phone with someone but they said they didn’t understand what was the problem. The ticket was still there and we could use it. But, I believed, during that critical moment, one who really could help us was the one who had the authority to hand us the boarding pass, not someone who wasn’t there.
She was finally able to talk to someone who kept asking her questions which she relayed to me. Why we didn’t board on the plane, why we didn’t send any notifications, why we went to Amsterdam instead. All the questions I imagined would be asked on Paris border during our arrival were all asked here.
I answered truthfully.
Until she said,
“You can use the tickets but you have to pay a fine because of this. XXX euro,”.
“We’ll pay,”
“How will you pay it?”
“By card”.
“Do you have the card with you now?”
“Yes, I have,”.
I called the doctor from a far asked him to bring all of the luggages.
Few minutes later, three boarding passes issued.
We thanked her so many times. I thanked the One who softened her heart endlessly.
In that moment, it wasn’t my pleading, it wasn’t because of we had the money, it was because He allowed it to happen.
Later we knew, the fine was charged per person. Not for the whole bunch.
The price of tiny mistake could be this expensive.
Sigh.
When I thought we had been through the worst, another came.
It was when we arrived in Abu Dhabi. We had safely landed and got out of the plane. Just few meters after that, the little girl said she wanted to go to restroom.
When I wanted to leave my backpack with the doctor, I realized something was missing.
My handbag where all the passports, boarding passes, money, handphones were inside, wasn’t there.
I ran back to the plane as fast as I could because almost all passengers was out. I told the cabin crews I left my bag on my seat.
One might wondered how could I leave such important bag.
I put it under the arm rest. Both were in brown colors. When I got the bag, the officer almost turned off all the light and ready to close the door so I had to scream, “wait for me!”.
“Ah yes, you’re still here. No worries,”.
He turned on the light again.
I walked out of the the plane and the bridge safely.
My dear heart.
I thought two nerve-wrecking moments were enough to humble me.
But, it seemed that the lesson hadn’t finished yet.
Since we had 8 hours of layovers with another hour of delay, we decided to book an airport hotel so we could sleep properly.
We slept well and checked out an hour before it was boarding time.
During the queue for boarding, the doctor asked me where the other plastic bag I brought from Paris.
I really couldn’t believe myself at that time. For leaving another thing at the hotel room.
The hotel was in terminal one.
Our flight was in terminal three.
Once again, my legs were pushed to do the sprint.
The hotel receptionist was startled, when I arrived,
“Mam, your flight is boarding already!”
“Yes, that’s why, please be quick,”
Another man who helped to open the room asked,
“Where is your gate?”
“32”
“It was on terminal three!” He acclaimed.
“Yes I know, thank you so much,”
I reached the gate on time.
During the sprint, my lips were on constant istighfar and thought I might do harm on someone for having all these chaos.
Three huge mistakes in a row.
How much I failed and felt so off during this trip, yet how near the help had been.
It wasn’t luck, it wasn’t my sudden realization, it wasn’t because we had the money, it was purely because He helped us with any ways possible until we made it.
Without His helps all through the journeys, I didn’t know what my mistakes would do to us.
Couldn’t help crying when the plane was finally landed at the home airport.
This writing was started yesterday and I still had no idea how to finish this. But, this morning, a post from Yasmin Mogahed came to me and it talked about those two titles which hit me hard.
I remembered one of my writings when we returned from London during Covid time, where we had to leave all the safety net we had in London and would walk into the unknown battle we had in Jakarta.
This trip wasn’t about all the experience that taught me lessons in traveling. More importantly, it was one which strengthened the belief inside. . The belief that after doing my best in everything, He did, He does, and He will take care of the rest.
As always.
I just have to put my utmost trust on Him and nothing else.
My big next homework is about how to transmit this important belief and value to the little girl. To have such belief at heart, that all the things that happen to her, no matter how big or small, whatever it is, wherever she is, whoever she becomes of, it is not because of her, not because of her parents, not because of anything, but Allah.
Above any skills and values in life I want her to possess, this one alone is the most valuable I hope her to master and stay with her for the rest of her life.
This trip looks good and perfect in pictures but quite a mess in the structure.
So far, the most twisted one among the history of family trips.
From the messy itinerary, a week journey with seven flights rally, Long delay made us sprint in Abu Dhabi, Denied check in when we’re fully ready, Paid a hefty sum of money for the tiny mistake I didn’t see, Ran back to the airplane after realizing I left a bag with passports, handphones, and money below the handrest in the seat forty, Another sprint session in Abu Dhabi, during queuing for boarding, ran between terminal one and three, to fetch another bag I left when we checked out at two thirty.
Those were crazy, honestly.
But, I also felt being saved for countless time while dealing with those difficulties. It felt surreal when the plane touched the ground back to this city yesterday afternoon at three thirty, We were wasted yet,gratefully healthy.
This writing finished yesterday at ten forty, all the luggages were already returned to its place safely, while the washing machine was singing happily. My clean laundry was ready.
Scene 2
We might have lots of miss and twists, but we got it easy when it comes to traveling with this little girl buddy. It might be hard to believe when I said we had zero tantrums since she was a baby.
They said traveling is one of the truest test of character. If it is true, then, she must have passed with flying colors. Much calmer than her mother, while dealing with so many irregulars, Where everything was so unfamiliar.
I have no control of what she would become of despite all the best efforts that had been done, but I hope, she would thrive and becomes an adult who deals with lots of uncertainties in life like she does with everything that traveling brings when she was a child.
The best traveling buddy parents could ask for
Scene 3
Marriage doesn’t have to be ideal, The most important thing it should be functional.
I believe, so does in traveling.
You might need one with the same vision, but the other important thing, you also need a company with different functions.
For every little details I am quite good at (although it becomes debatable in this trip), I get a good one who covers for the big picture that I am quite lack of and I am beyond grateful to be blessed with such traveling partner.
If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together”. African Proverb
It’s been a very long ride until we finally safely arrived in this trip main destination.
I didn’t have any expectations about this city. No idea what it would be.
I rarely fall in love with the first sight. But, Porto got me right.
Less than one hour set my feet in this city, I fell in love in an instant. This city is beyond charming.
It had been 48 hours without having a proper meal, it served us with a set of Portugese home made meal from a tiny homey local restaurant across our apartment. It was pumpkin soup and red bean rice with cod fish. I really wanted to cry while sipping the soup. It was the best meal I had in this trip.
We stopped by for the light groceries nearby then returned to the apartment. When we arrived, our room was ready.
We bought Andante card for the bus and metro at Sao Bento station. Our first visit in the afternoon was Ribiera. Sitting by Duoro river and listening to street musician. The little girl seemed too tired after countless flight and airports transfer to do anything else, so she just slept on the bench by the river.
We stayed for 4 days, the first two we went together, while the other two, the doctor attended the course which became the main reason we visited Porto, so me and the little girl explored the city on our own.
Porto is fascinating. I love almost everything about it. It might be not as neatly ordered or filled with stunning beauty like some of other citites in Europe. It is more like beautiful mess with the right measure.
Couldn’t help taking too many pictures of murals and facades. We also stayed in the street of art where there are lots of small galleries.
We basically ticked all the a must see places. Sunset in Jardim de Morro, Mercado de Bolhao, Santa Catarina, Livraria Lello, Cedofeita, Jardin de Palacio, Natural History museum in Universiti of Porto. But, the best one about the city is its charming alleys.
For someone who loves walking, being lost in Porto alleys were the highlights of my staying in this city. Just going in and out aimlessly made me happy.
I love how it felt safe to walk there. I reclaimed my solo traveling in between time spent together and it was so refreshing. There were those times when this trip worth all the hassles been through to get here.
Their bus card called Andante . In music, Andante means a tempo in walking pace. It’s funny how it fits the description of their city. Four days spent in Porto, I feel like life was running in adagio., which means a slow tempo.
Beauty. Safety. Walkability. Porto has set the bar too high for introduction to south Europe. It’s underrated yet highly recommended city to visit.
The city’s postcard viewOne of the most beautiful bookstores in the world. Paid entrance for €5, which could be used for buying a book here.One of the most beautiful Mcd in the world, said the articleSunset from Jardim de MorroSardine is a serious bussiness hereAlma in front of Capela de AlmasMercado Bolhao
Amsterdam was involuntarily included in the itinerary because of what happened here.
A few months back, some of my weeks were spent by constantly fixing the itinerary. Amsterdam made it more complicated. Based on my research, it wasn’t compulsory, BUT, if you’re being asked in the first border you entry and you couldn’t prove you would travel to the visa issued country, then, you might lose bigger and more than what you can pay by playing safe.
I didn’t only read a bulk of articles. I asked around almost ten travelers on social media, about this case. I also asked travel agents who do the visas. It was 70-30. Seven said it might be fine but just be prepared, the rests said it was too risky.
Up until a week before, I hadn’t bought the ticket for the new itinerary, because of the price was too high for one way trip. I was still thinking, we could just try our luck by leaving Amsterdam behind. There were actually lots of alternatives, much cheaper ones, BUT, with another transit and less reliable airlines. A two hours flight becomes five? I didn’t think we could handle another transit. Flying with unreliable airlines after constant airport moving in 48 hours? I didn’t think that was wise. Train wasn’t doable this time. Bus was available, but 8 hours in a bus? I wasn’t available for that.
I finally clicked the payment button and forgot the rest.
It’s hard to a judge a city where you only spent 6 hours went around and few hours of sleeping.
But, from what I saw, I wasn’t impressed like the first time I set my feet in Paris.
A brief stop was fine. Maybe next time, Amsterdam
Hoping to stay longer and learn how the happiest kids in the world do, according to the research.Compulsory Amsterdam selfieThe city where the cyclists ruleThe city canalsThe journey, not the arrivals, matters, said TS Elliot.
What happened in the first EU Border we landed? Safely passed without a single question.No passport checking anymore after that, not even bother to check whether we had the visa or not from the colors of our passports. In my case, no one cares whether we stop by in Amsterdam or not. Even in our main destination, no more passport control. What I understood before, it wasn’t a problem if you travel through the land, but, by plane might be different. It turned out if you travel around Schengen countries, you won’t through any immigration anymore after the first one.Only the security check.
Did I regret the decision? Not really, another review post would do.
If anyone ask me whether they should take the risk by not traveling to the visa issuing country, my answer would be :
Handle your own risk. Basically, it’s not wrong since your visa is valid to enter all those countries . But, if we truly can, let’s show some courtesy to the one who gives the entry.
Last Sunday to Tuesday was one of the longest 48 hours this year. Four flights, four different cities (because the necessities), minor to major delays, it was hard to believe we did it safe and sound, with some back (and b*tt) pain.
This trip shows no words could describe how traveling could bring so many life discomforts yet couldn’t help entertain them if an opportunity knocked.
This time, we traveled out of the normal one we do due to several reasons and twists that came along the way.
The sudden change of plans for the last four months, the sudden notifications at the last minute that pushed the brain to think harder than before, the countless zikr spelled, the pain all over the face as usual due to the change of weather, numerous bathroom trips all over the flights, yet, I will still choose to do it all over again once all those things became the past.
If it’s not love, then I don’t know what it is.
What I learn, you want to travel with the right companions. Not only one with the same vision but also one with different functions. When one is good at one thing, the other should cover the other area. Like when one is good at dealing with little details, the other one should be good at taking care of big problems. When one is highly anxious, the other two must be cool and chill.
Another advice: travel light and free when you’re young and blessed with the time and energy, travel comfortably when you’re older when you have the money.
It made sense why Islam strongly recommends us to be rich when I had to deal with the long queue on the few last rows to get out of the plane in the midnight to catch another flight within 15 minutes.
Certain conversations inside the head finally met its trigger for them to finally be delivered into a writing. A post from Humans of New York was the one who did the job.
I never know how Brandon has always been successful to create a story in a short instagram post yet could give huge effect for its readers.
For the countless time, I rarely envy anyone, except those who write so well.
The caption above says a lot about one of the indicators of highly successful parenting, in my opinion.
One of the highest ROI (return of investment) of successful parenting is when the children voluntarily involve you in their daily life when they’re adults.
The period when they no longer ‘need’ you to navigate their own life, yet they still include you in their daily life, no matter the distance which set you apart.
I am not talking about the occasional holiday together or the monthly visit. It’s good, of course, but, having the kids talk to you, tell you about everything like they’re still living under the same roof with you, I think that is one of the highest achievements one can have in life.
Just like any other great work, there’s nothing easy about it. The father above decided that not his job, not his career, but his family, that he put on the top of his priorities for 30 years. To be able to stick with such decisions is not something that everyone can do. Only one with clear goals and visions who understands what matters the most can do such a thing. It takes a huge leap of faith to keep doing what you believe despite everything life throws.
This is why parenting is a long game. The result is not what you see right now. The result won’t come immediately like some money you earn after a month of hard work. It’s not when the kids behave nicely. Not when she wins any competitions, delivers good results, or any tangible and measurable things that society could label you as a good parent.
The long years of sowing could be so tricky. There were times when it might feel so unrewarding. But, when you really believe in something, you just have to keep going.
It’s even hard to be successfully raised one, because you might be successful with one of your kids, but not really doing as good with the others, yet he did a great job with three!
The actual result of truly successful parenting is something that will come 20-30 years down the line, and it’s not something that everyone can see, but only can be felt at heart by both parent and the child. When both can talk comfortably and respect each other like they are equal. This is why I think, one of the endgame of parenting goals that we should aim is : raising an adult that will gain your trust and respect.
After all, we could only do our best when raising the children. The results are too hard to be predicted. Life rarely happens in one straight line curve. Too many unpredictable things could happen that might not guarantee what kind of result you will get or expect, despite all the efforts you pour into.
But still, no reason not to give your best bet on this. It’s one of the things in life that is worth your time doing it.
It’s still hard to believe that after three years, life is slowly returning to old days, including traveling. When I thought Sydney was more than enough this year, then another trip came only few months after that.
This time, it’s way of traveling that we have never been done before. Out of initial plan.
The past few weeks and months, I felt like dealing with the same old and new me while dealing with traveling thing. I am still the same old person who is very determined and detailed in planning, but certain part is totally unrecognizable.
I always know that I am good at waiting, although the reason might not be clear. Sometimes, I am questioning myself too what I have been waiting for. Just click buy and move on to the next thing. Why torture yourself for weeks instead? But still, I just chose to suffer.
When it comes to traveling, I feel like having this different tables inside my brain about few different itineraries with their own strengths and weaknesses. Funnily, these tables were not even fixed. After weeks of feeling certain that those choices were the only way to go, suddenly, I could restart from the beginning and resetting everything again to completely different plans. It was mostly a sudden new insight that came into my mind.
The old me would have started packing right after the visa was granted, mostly two or three months beforehand, but now, up to two weeks, my luggage was still sitting nicely on the cupboard. I wasn’t so sure what I was waiting for.
Previously, I was so sure a transit it’s fine as long as the time and price fit. Then, I found the airline rating was pretty bad. So, I considered another option. When I found one that had a good rating, I was still being hesitant once again. The greedy in me wanted more.
While waiting for this, I suddenly found the price that I had been looking for consistently for weeks. Then, when I was about to type the card number, I started thinking once again. This one fitted the time and price, but with a transit.
I ended up not with the lowest I could get, but it was the best indeed.
As the date of the departure is getting closer, my anxiety is slowly rising. Pre-pandemic travel gave me excitement, but the post ones are making me more cautious. I’ve been wondering why we adult has so many fears inside? Or is it just me?
Since the first time we traveled abroad as a family, we always stay in one city for 7 days. Enjoyed the city as slow as possible (although it was also a soft translation of not having enough to afford more). But this time, we would move to three different countries in 7 days. It’s scary. I didn’t plan to, but, as always, a travel twist made us taking such options.
Well, I wish nothing but hopefully we will survive this new season of traveling safe and sound. We never know if we don’t try. Right? Please, it is.
After having a summer trip in the east, off we go for another summer trip to the west.
A Penny for My Pensieve 