Category: Thoughts

Found this unknown small parks around the neighborhood while taking the road less often traveled during morning walk.

It’s been a week of lovely sunny weather to have a picnic in the park. Sunny day made the days feel lighter. I was never fan of long walk before, but these few past weeks, it becomes something that I crave the most. It’s beyond grateful to live in this neighborhood during this hard time. The fresh air, the right amount of silence, the greens around the area, the bench to sit and wander. But, most of all, the ability to enjoy all of them.

Among all the dark side current situation brings, finding the bright side is essential to keep us sane.

The last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to us? “Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him”.

Replace Harry with the best hope we have.

And Trust Him.

We are now currently facing the huge pandemic of Corona, and London keeps having more cases since the beginning of March.

We have been staying at home from last Friday. The doctor had been sent home right after his hospital, which should have been cleared from the virus, confirmed its first case last week. The government had announced the school closure starting 20 March for the whole UK.

After doing 10 days of self isolation with my housemates, witnessing and experiencing the frustration for finding basic needs, checking to almost every store, having intense fear of being outside and facing the crowd, some thoughts occured.

It would be a good idea to stop counting the x-th day of WFH or whatever the hashtag is and slowly start accepting this is a new normal situation.

It’s not a two weeks holiday at home instead a daily life that would or very likely last at least a year ahead.

It wont hurt to start thinking and preparing how to survive and adapt with the new life.

More than ever, it’s proven that having daily habits at home, done consistently every single day, would be so helpful for the adults and the kids to keep the sanity. Even babies need their own habit and rhytm. We can’t live continously with holiday mode.

More than ever, the golden rule of finance is proven : Cash is king. The importance of having emergency fund to support at least 6-12 months of life become non-negotiable.

More than ever, everyone has a chance to feel a tiny pinch of what a newborn mother felt.

Facing a new life with zero experience, limited access to be outside, limited chance to have a proper amount of social interaction, no difference feeling between weekdays or weekend, dealing with lots of uncertain things ahead and how stressful such situation is until the famous What to Expect the First Year described :

“There’s no other job as emotionally and physically taxing as parenting in the first year”.

But, the good news is, just like rainbow days, stormy days have also its expiry date.

This too shall pass.
The panic buying and stock piling will end.

One of BBC articles, (unlike the Post Partum Depression in newbornmother), it’s corona recession, not yet depression. Hopefully will never be.

In the mean time, we just have to do everything in our power, to survive, together.

*Self isolation itself is not that hard as a bunch of boring introvert.

How almost every supermarket in UK look like these days :

The whole world goes down by something invisible, intangible, yet so powerful.

Verily, there are sigs for those who reflect.

Today’s marked as the sixth month since we set our foot in this city. Facing lots of uncertainties, from the most basic thing as place to live, jobs, school, until how to manage day by day in this land of strangers, and many more. It is the first longest time I survive living in other part of the world than Jakarta.

Along these six months, we adapt and adjust quite well here. Overall, although it’s not easy, but life has been pretty good to us. We sleep and eat well, pay our bills on time, able to enjoy some meals outside. In spite of the weather, we have been surviving it with all the resources we have, even doing lots of winter trips (too many, in facts😁). In some parts, I feel like repeating what I had been living back in 1994 during time spent for 1,5 months in Manchester as I wrote in Miles away from home, chapter 1: Manchester.

Our moving to London turned out to be not only for accompanying the doctor for his fellowship, but it is also for me, and especially Langit. For years, I have been asking continously about something, reading as much as I can, looking everywhere for the answer, and here, I finally found the answer. Another more serious post would elaborate this later.

One of the funny big changes happened during these months is how I turn 180 degrees from hating white milk and corn flake to loving it until it becomes my daily lunch three times a week. Yes, cornflake and white milk for lunch. I think about it with a happy heart.

Working as a fellow doctor in unfamiliar place with unfamiliar system and environment, every day, is surely hard. But, the less underrated hardship is not knowing what to do.

Routine is one of the most important things that contribute a lot to your sanity and happiness. Routine is something that even a baby should master from the beginning of his life.

No matter how hard is for the doctor and my daughter, they have a fixed schedule. The doctor and my daughter know what to do, where to go, in the morning, they have their own routine and more valid reason, he is being paid for it. So, it’s more of responsibility and something that should be done.

I had been doing many things before, earning my own money since I was the first years in college, chasing and checking my bucket lists, jumped from having so many things to do, living jobs I love, having enough money for my personal needs, taking care of things here and there a whole week, then suddenly having TOTALLY none, other than taking care Langit and the house. How insignificant would that feel?

One would never understand until (s)he’s wearing the same shoes.

As I always believe, no one should be responsible for your own happiness. Happiness is something that you should fight for and find within yourself. If you cant make it on your own, no one would and could ever make you happy.

Thus, as soon as everyone was settled with their own routines, I started finding mine. I have been joining an exercise class since I was 18. It’s one of my favorite routines. So, the first thing I did was registered in nearby exercise class. So far, I enjoy it a lot.

The next thing was looking for some works to do outside. I was looking, reading many things on the internet until I found something that suited me the most and, strangely, it feels satisfying. This one also deserves another post alone.

I also signed up for an exam and currently waiting for the result. Those before exam days were one of the most highly spiritful days. Having something to look forward to, having something that you want to achieve, I can’t imagine life without something that you want to strive for.

Another best thing living here is having enough time to do things that really matter the most. During these six months, I have spared and allocated my time and energy to teach Langit some new things and once again, I couldn’t believe, it feels so rewarding.

We’re learning new things together, doing it everyday, no excuse. In these few months, I have seen how daily habits done little by little, make so much difference. I could not say how grateful and proud I am of her.

I also have enough time to do things I love. Reading and traveling. Good library full of great books and good public transport allow me to enjoy the life in this city whole-heartedly. I have been reading much more books in these six months than I have in the last 10 years maybe.

Once a week, I set some new place to visit by trying new route through bus, underground, or overground within zone 2 oyster card. I love the walking around here and there in silence, watching people, seeing new things. I am grateful beyond words to be granted such chance to live in this city.

Guess that’s the general update for now.

May everyone stay safe and be protected from any harms as this year has been so rough from the beginning.

Just like Barney the dinosaur said, with modification,

Cause life is tough. And so are you.

This post was written almost a year ago before the Summer in Seoul trip. It was written right when I thought I found a happy ending. But, the bigger storm turned out coming right after this writing finished.

But, as many other previous storms, it finally ended and the one who stayed, finally stay, thankfully until now.

April, 2019.

I remember writing two posts about twist when I had my first Ilana Tan trip. I knew dream and twist are inseparable, but it turns out that trip and twist are coming together too. Escpecially when it’s trip abroad.

Twist is unavoidable, but as if it is not enough, most of the time, they came one by one like layered twists. One came, solved, then another came and so on. Until when? Until the very last minute. Judging from my social media posts, almost all the trip seems flawless. What people don’t know is what it takes until we ‘deserved’ such trips.

All these Ilana Tan trips also come with twists. Paris has been told in previous post. Spring in London was quite high tension because it was the time when the doctor had his very last national exam for residency. At that time, the exam date would be between 22-23 April, either he got Jakarta or Makassar. Our flight to London departed at 2 pm on 23rd April. While the rumour said because his base is in Jakarta then he would fly to Makassar.

It was one of those time when long and hard prayers were spelled in every breath. Prayed for the most possible exam date so he could go with us, as planned. As the date was getting closer yet without any official announcement, the heart was highly abused indeed. There were times when there felt like no hope. Once the news was out, it was either yes or no.

The result came just four days before departure. He got 22nd April in Jakarta afternoon session.

I felt so sorry and thankful for my heart that had been enduring such pain for weeks.

Tokyo was another long waiting for another announcement, once again, it was about the doctor stuff. It was about WKDS departure date and placement. We had been waiting for the news since January and it finally came out at the end of February. We were quite lucky that the date was safe enough for the trip. Compared to three other trips, Tokyo was the lightest one.

Now, Seoul. Getting permission from the doctor side is always nerve-wrecking but beside that, additional twists came too. Running a small bussiness is not easy but having a good team helps to reduce the headache a lot. For this past 1,5 months, I realize that every bussiness, especially the small one, depend a lot on its people.

It started when few months ago, the oldest team member that we treasured quite a lot said that he would resign by the following month. We usually didn’t hold anyone for resigning but this one we questioned him deeply whether he was sure about this. The answer was certain.

Then we started new recruitment process and decided to hire one person. It went smooth for the first week but then, the true character finally appeared. Tardy often, lots of excuses, the most unacceptable one, didn’t show up without any notice. For us who only hire two employees, each of them matters a lot. Losing one means disturbing the bussiness. Why dont we hire three? Cost.

In one day, looking for subtitute done. Luckily, the other candidate was still available and accepted the offer immediately. Repeating training process from zero was tiring and wasting time but there was nothing we could do. Getting one that was readily available was good enough.

Just two days after the new hire first day, his father passed away. So, we had to run with one again. Luckily, the other one who has been with us for a year is a reliable one. After the storm end, the one year person asked me if he could take a day off. It was arranged well with the new one that they would take turn. The senior got one day off on Monday, the new one got his on Saturday. Practically, everyone was having two and half days off. Win-win solution. The new hire was quite a fast learner too. So, another stormy period safely passed.

But, it was as if the Almighty up there said, “Do you really think it’s over? Come on, we still have time until your departure. Shall we have another one?”

You shall.

Two days before the senior days off, the new one texted that he needed to resign by Monday because he got another offer (better one of course), and his mother asked him to take it. It was Thursday evening and I had three days to find a replacement. At that time, I didn’t even have no words to say how pissed I was to that person. How the h*ll I could find a new employee in three days while the senior would also have his days off. I had no heart to cancel his trips. Meanwhile, my trip is only a week away.

Desperate and hopeless.

I refused to post any job ads online because it wouldn’t do us good to openly look for new hire within short time. The only option was to do close recruitment. Since we only had three days, I sent text to several people. Remember the oldest team who resigned? We contacted him first asked him to return. Why? Because, from our obsevation on his social media, he also had resigned from his new job. Survived his new job in less than a month. Kids nowadays.

After several text, he declined the offer. I was torn between relieved and dissapointed. Relieved because taking the old one means we are that desperate but it was the safest choice since we dont have to do any training anymore.

I decided to send texts to those who had contacted us before when they were asking for a job. Other than the old team, I also sent texts to few candidates from the last interview batch. Zero result.

That night felt too long.

The next Friday passed without any clear hopes. I couldn’t think any other way than waiting.

The pray answered in Saturday morning when I woke up and looked for my phone. An application letter arrived on the email. Neatly written and looked good. I replied the email immediately and it was so relieving that the boy replied instantly. A quick interview done, he started right away.

Two days after the senior returned from the trip, another hassle came. He got sick and should take another two days off. So, the new little boy had to go alone under my supervision.

That week was a hellish one. Juggling between this and that. Stayed late at store. Opening hour has been modified, doing whatever could be done to keep going.

The bright side, the new one is quite good at doing his main job and he is quite helpful. Eager to stay longer too. That means a lot for me. I hope this time, this one stays for a longer and proper time. Amin.

They said what doesn’t kill make you stronger. I know enough about that.

But, sometimes I just dont want to be strong and I’d rather just being safe. (Safe means no new plan for going places?)

Thats hard too.

Your choice, your battle.

There are times when I feel so stuck and hopeless about things. No matter how hard, how long, how much energy, time, and money spent, the progress craved for is not signifcant enough. As if we would never be there.

It wasn’t the first time this feeling came of course. Knowing I had been in this stuck feeling before, once or twice is quite soothing. Knowing I once survived that, and finally got ‘there’, gives the slightest hope that I will be there too one day. God only knows when.

I have learned since a long ago that we don’t have to ask why we’re given this and that, because some parts of life happened are never under our control. No matter how often people glorify we always have choice, some things don’t offer one. You can’t quit, get rid or leave but to keep going with it.

Still, the heavy heart is here.

The frustration won’t go.

The anxiety keeps following.

The things to be grateful for are there, but it doesn’t make the problems dissappear.

There are times that I don’t feel like counting the blessings. There are times I don’t want to hear any consolation words.

There are times I just want to say it’s hard.

Received two grief news within a week of the passing of two women who were known through mutual acquaintances. Both were on my age, leaving their two little children behind. Although I didn’t know them personally, but still, the thought of the children who lost their mother in such young age is painful.

It’s a heart-wrenching reminder that life is actually the most fragile thing in the world. One tiny single thing could turn your life upside down. One single unmeaningful thing could lead to the broken of long-kept trust, no-turn-back separation, and the end of happy days you thought would last forever.

One ‘kun fayakun’ from the owner of this life could make you jump from the top of the world to the bottom of the earth core.

The scariest thing is that you have no control about this. Death and misfortunes are always lurking around, waiting for the exact time to appear after it’s being commanded from the owner of the whole life. No single second of negotiation, no matter how much effort you have done to anticipate any miscalculations.

Death should always be a constant and strong reminder to live kind of life which deserves to be granted a good ending. That is far from easy and not just everyone is granted with such good ending. What is a good ending? It’s up to us to choose what kind of things we aim to measure our life.

Watching my closest families died few times makes me believe one thing : the way we die determined by the way we live. We can’t choose our start, but we really can work hard for our ending. In the end, we only get the ending we deserve to have. Just like the future shaped from what we do today, the next life would be also the result of the deeds we have done in previous life.

Shouldn’t we then live the life like the famous line from Imam Ali Bin Abi Thalib RA?

Work for this world as if you will live forever and work for the here-after as if you will die tomorrow.

I pray that both families given the strength they need to go through everything, may those little children would be always protected, and may the mothers rest well.

Ready or not, finish or unfinish,

when it’s time to go, we go.

When it’s time to let go, we just have to let go.

Hari pertama di tahun yang baru dibuka dengan berita banjir di Jakarta. Daerah rumah di Jakarta sudah sekitar 7 tahun ke belakang absen banjir. Dulu tiap siklus 5 tahun salah satu perumahan yang paling parah dan sering masuk tv. Udah pernah ngerasain di evakuasi pake perahu karet dari atap rumah di tahun 2007 kalo ngga salah.

Dapat kabar kalo kemarin perumahan kembali banjir, mobil sempat kemasukan air, dan beberapa rumah tetangga yang rendah, airnya sampai masuk ke rumah. Bahkan beberapa area yang dulunya bebas banjir kemarin jadi banjir, lebih buruknya ada korban jiwa.

Selain simpati, sedih, terus terang lebih banyak putus asa dan apatisnya.

Setelah mengira kita sudah maju cukup jauh, ternyata kembali ke titik yang sama. Salah satu hubungan tersulit adalah hubungan dengan negara dan kota tempat saya tinggal. Sulit sekali bisa bener-bener sayang. Saya percaya banyak orang baik, tapi kenyataannya orang-orang yang punya kesempatan, tanggung jawab lebih dan kekuatan signifikan untuk membangun, memperbaiki negara dan ibukota ini, pernah ngga sih benar-benar punya itikad itu?

Pernyataan kaya gini ngga perlu dipelintir jadi mulai aja dari diri sendiri, jangan semua mengharap pemerintah. Bukan itu poinnya. Sudah tugas pemerintah sebagai yang punya kuasa dan sumber daya untuk melakukan, membangun hal-hal yang sifatnya untuk kepentingan bersama. Tipikal sekali kalau negara/kota kita itu setiap ada bencana tindakannya selalu hanya kuratif. Tapi jaraaaaaanggg sekali yang preventif.

Waktu bencana terjadi semua sibuk turun tangan kasih bantuan. Buat yang swadaya dari masyarakat, perlu dikasih apresiasi. Tapi, yang dari pemerintah, kecuali yang berwenang sudah melakukan semua cara dengan kekuasaan dan kekuatan yang mereka punya untuk mencegah atau paling tidak meminimalisir kerugian yang ditimbulkan dari bencana, bantuan pada saat bencana itu omong kosong.

Setelah bencananya selesai, lupa lagi. Ngga pernah benar-benar dipikirkan harus apa sih supaya ngga terulang. Orang pinterya banyak tapi ngga ada yang benar-benar peduli. Ngga ngerti saya apa yang dipikirin. Sudah jelas ada siklusnya kapan curah hujan paling tinggi terjadi tiap tahun, sudah ada historinya kejadian di tahun 1997, 2002, 2007, Jakarta berubah jadi lautan. Kok bisa masih take it for granted juga? Gemes sampe pengen nangis saking frustasinya.

Pas bencana terjadi semua bantuan didatangkan. Tapi setelah bencana, keberlanjutan hidup harus dipikirkan sendiri lagi. Saya merasa kita ini punya negara auto pilot. Hampir semua harus diusahakan sendiri. Secara individu yang tangguh banyak, tapi secara karakter bangsa keseluruhan, jauh. Kebijakan yang berubah-ubah dalam segala hal, satu hal baik dari yang sebelumnya jarang sekali diteruskan dan lebih pilih jalankan yang baru atau malah ngga ada yang dikerjakan.

Sampai saya percaya, bahwa kemungkinan sampai seratus tahun ke depan, kita ngga akan pernah bisa maju.

Ini bukan hanya berlaku di soal banjir. Tapi di banyak hal seperti di pendidikan, kesehatan, dan fasilitas publik lain yang seharusnya sudah sewajarnya disediakan oleh negara untuk warganya. Tiga bulan di London, saya baca banyak sekali buku yang buat saya iri sekali dengan penulis-penulis yang cerita tentang keadaan negara yang ada di buku itu. Saya pengen sekali nulis dan bahas beberapa buku yang bikin saya iri ini. Nanti mungkin.

Saya inget pernah nulis ini waktu Indonesia ultah ke 73 kalo ngga salah,

Loving you is not easy.

Leaving you is not a choice.

Giving up on you would never be an option.

Happy birthday, Indonesia.

Please, grow up.

Mungkin ngga ya bisa terkabul, suatu saat entah kapan?