Category: Thoughts

Posted in Thoughts

Stormy Days

Posted on by arlanadya

If, this one were written few days ago, the title would be ‘The Shittiest Days in Four Years’.  Then, it’s good to write this today so this blog will keep its proper language and stay polite.

 
The last one week have been the most stormy days in my four years of marriage. Something happened and it totally turned the table. Messy, broken, and seemed to be irrepairable. Maybe it wasn’t great deal for some people, but for me, it matters the world. Won’t go for any details here, of course. 

What happens in a marriage, stay between those two who are married.

I rarely talk about things related to my relationship. For no reason. Even in the real conversation with friends, I don’t talk much about it. 

For some people, this might sound a bit weird, but it happened to me. I have never been a big fan of any heart-to-heart relationship with anyone. One thing I am always bad is being in a relationship. That explains why I had no one to be called ex-boyfriend(s).

Dealing with others feeling is a heavy burden for me. The very first time someone asked me to be in a relationship with him during junior high school, then I knew, this one was surely not my thing.

I didn’t find being tangled with someone for unclear purpose was enjoyable. In my junior high school girl head and heart,I asked myself (and few of my friends),what was the purpose of having a boyfriend at this age?

To be happy? I was already.

To have some companions? I had enough.

To share your thoughts when you were happy and sad? Hm, I prefered a diary.

To experience dating? Hm, didn’t think it’s necessary and I was busy enough with my piano course and others.

My parents were surely againts this one too. At first, I thought I did it because my parents didn’t allow it. But, even until college, I still didn’t find any strong reasons for doing this, no matter how many times I received the offers and who had offered it.

Sounds like bragging a lot? I wasn’t and absolutely am not. It was uncomfortable. Totally.

I once think it might be because I hadn’t had the right person asked me yet. But, even after it happened, that wasn’t really the case. It was all on me. Relationship was just not my cup of tea.

We, le husband and I, had been through ten years of any kind of relationships form before we’re finally married. Long ten years of hardships and mostly it came from my side. I once wrote in one of the posts, we had been through every kind of relationship problems, except the religion difference. You name it, we had it.

I didn’t actually understand how I had survived those ten years. I even had one ultimate question that I had been constantly asked in my head and in my prayers, 

“These hardships that we have been through, are these the signs that we are not good for each other or these what we should take for us to be together for good?”

It was confusing though. They said if something is good for you, then Allah will make it easier. But, on the other hand, nothing good comes easy. So? 

But then, in the end, whatever we had been through, we always end up together. As if we had done each exams that have been assigned to us for our relationship and passed, then we’re allowed to proceed to the next level.

When I  finally agreed to marry le husband, it took me two full years doing lots of thinking and being in very least contact with him. I could see that my heart thought no one other than him to be together in the future, but I didn’t think it was enough to make me take a huge step such a marriage. 

For me, marriage takes and needs more of your head than your heart. I had seen enough examples what becomes of women when they used too much heart in their marriage. 

I agreed  and was brave enough to finally marry le husband by considering some qualities in him, his family, our similarities and differences, the way we view and value things, and so on. 

I assured my heart, I would regret more if I didn’t not take this chance than being hurt because I took the chance. 

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During these four years, we surely have quarels, big and small fights, disagreements, and any kind of problems. We surely have our good times too. We enjoyed each other presence and absence, although sometimes it could feel a bit stuffy, especially for me. But, any problems that happened before could be solved within few days and we were okay.

Until this one ‘big’ storm hit us last week.

It turned my (our) world up and down. We had been quarelling, arguing, and fighting hard. We ‘talked’ so much until at some point I thought I couldn’t take this any longer. Lots of bad thoughts appeared inside my head, lots of bad words came from my mouth, I couldn’t think clearly for days and felt absolutely like living in the hell.

It took countless of bad and hard times until we’re able to manage to talk like two grown up adults. Talked about where we did wrong, what we should improve in the future, found any possible ways to survive for us alone,within ourselves, not only because of other things.

When I am finally able to write this here, I really hope we both learn our lessons. I hope this one was big enough for us to do some significant improvements to have  better skills in our relationship. 

I won’t pinpoint the faults to any of us (here). One might do a bigger fault than the other. But as I always believe, it takes two people to make a marriage works and it also takes two when it doesn’t work (either for a while or forever).

It makes me even more certain about what to tell to those who would go for a marriage. 

Don’t sign up for one without enough preparations, careful considerations, tons of prayers, families’ approvals, and mapping the worst risks that could happen in the future. Eventhough you felt like you did all those above, it wouldn’t go any easier during hard times. 

Once we’re in, try our best to close our eyes for any possible exit doors exist, no matter how hard it is. It was freaking hard.

We won’t last without the help from our one and only protector, Allah The Almighty. We would never be strong enough to through this without the strength given from The One who is holding every heart of every human being alive.

In more earthly and humanly words, maybe marriage is about managing our ownselves and expectation to deal with our spouse’s strength and weakness, rights and wrong, to stretch our heart bigger to let go what has happened then go on to make the wheels keep running well (enough). 

Smoothly? You wish. 

Guess, I have said these enough. Writing does help a lot.

Till then.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

The World Against (Y)Our Introverted-Child

Posted on by arlanadya

It’s been quite some time I have been thinking about some matters related to the baby class we’re currently joined in. Since it’s not a review, I wouldn’t spell the name.

This class is where the parents are also participating in the class. The facilitators are child psychologists that help you to explain the activities and then they give the job for every family to do it. It is just once a week class for an hour, on weekend. It should be good one at our first expectation.

After two terms joining this class, we realize something about Langit. She is the type who can’t and actually won’t join any activities that don’t give her enough interest.While the other kids are sitting with their parents doing the activites that have been assigned to them, she makes us busy chasing her here and there. Last term, she was really interested in little broomstick around the corner. So, everytime we come to the class, she went to the back of the corner and took the broomstick.

It was surely beyond our expectation knowing our little girl is this type of student. But, worse part about this one, it is enough to make one of the so-called psychologist doesn’t (really) favour her until at the point of ‘leaving’ her behind. I realized this thing after few first weeks of the class but didn’t talk any of it to anyone. The only thing for sure, whenever Sunday came, I felt something hard on my chest,even harder when le husband is not around.

The bell rang when one day le husband threw one sentence told me that certain facilitator didn’t really like her. Ouch, it’s stung and hurt, knowing even le husband who was occasionally absent realized it too. Then, it was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?

As I was being a teacher myself twice in a school, I know this type of student is surely not teacher’s favorite. But then, it was a huge heart-breaking when this type of student is your own child. This class is not only excluding the baby, but also make us feel like an outcast parents. The judgmental look was there and said it all.

However, joining this class also gives something good for us. It’s eye opener and mind-enlighting. We become knowing our baby better and what kind of things we should improve as parents.

Long before, I know Langit is absolutely an introverted-child. She likes being with herself and doesn’t really fond of others, especially strangers’ presence. She doesn’t like to be touched by others too. Even when she and me of are being in the same room, she can play by herself.

She is an observer. She’s not the type who learn things obviously doing trial and error in front of people. She will observe first and then doing it without others knowing. Like going up and down through the stairs all by herself safely, for instance. While most of other children around her age still need assistance and guidance when they’re climbing stairs, Langit has been doing it all alone for some time and it has been okay, Alhamdulillah. Others may say I am careless. But, before that, they just have to witness how the baby is doing it.

In the future, it’s our homework to help her make things work when she should have to be in other circle but home. Being introverted is not something you should ask everyone to understand.

It’s okay to be an observer, but there will come the time when she has to sit, listen and do what she has been assigned. It’s okay if she’s not interested in something, but there are still rules that she has to obey, whether she likes it or not. It’s okay to enjoy herself alone, but there are things that she can only achieve better when she is doing it with other people.

Knowing there are some people who don’t really fond of your cute little daughter exist is surely on another level of heart-breaking. I believe, she will even have to face this kind of people alone later.

It’s not our job to make everyone love her because she is being what she is. But, it’s our job to prevent he to be intentionally unlikeable because of what she does to others and how to deal with this kind of things. She will later learn and understand these kind of people are present to give her lesson and toughen her. She just have to use her brain and heart to overcome this.

It seems that looking for a formal school in the next few years should be carefully selected from now. At least, having teachers who have the least willing to understand every students differences would be a great help to us as parents and the baby herself. How I wish to meet a teacher like the one in this article.

Well, it’s Monday though. Let’s start working (on our problems) now.
Bon Lundi!

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

My Mother, The Keeper

Posted on by arlanadya

My mother was one the most visioner person I have ever known. Her thoughts were mostly beyond what others could see. Most of the time, everything that she said in present time, likely to be true in the future.

She liked to keep things that she thought will be useful in the future. Not a short term one but a very long time in the future. Thanks to her, I saved a lot of money from buying some important baby stuffs. These are not only something small like clothes or sheets, but things that you couldn’t buy at the same quality  even if you do have the money to buy it. These things have been kept for years neatly and nicely.

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The crib has been here for more than 30 years. Me and my siblings have our pictures taken inside this crib. Not only us, some of our cousins used this crib too. Langit is lucky enough to be the first grandchild in the family so she has the chance to sleep in this legendary bed.

This rattan play yard was bought when my cousin was born 10 years ago. My mum bought it with the thought her daughters would surely need this once they had  babies themselves. See,  she was rarely wrong. Langit enjoys being inside this box a lot. It will soon being moved to my little sister’s house since she needs it more than us when her second child  is coming.

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Well, this one is freshly built this afternoon. After my sister texted that she would take the rattan box by next week, I keep thinking the replacement of that box. Although it is no longer urgent to keep Langit inside a box, I like the idea of keeping her personal space where she can play and rest, both upstairs and downstairs.

I keep searching any alternatives to replace the box and thinking of buying the second one. But, most of those were above my budget. I don’t eager to spend on something that is not really urgent.

Then, the idea came. Instead of play yard or similar thing, I thought about a baby pool. A large one. But again, it’s quite weird putting a pool inside the house. It doesn’t look good for me. Until I remembered about this tent.

It has been here for 26 years. It was bought in 1994 when we stayed in Manchester for two months. We used to play it often when we were young. We really loved it. It wasn’t big so we had fights deciding who would sleep inside the tent.

The good old memories were flooding inside my mind while me and le husband built this one together. It gives warmth remembering the good old days we had and it is such a pleasure to share this happiness to Langit. She looked so happy and couldn’t help keep smiling when the tent was ready with all her toys inside. 

Unlike the current trend nowadays where people do pre-loved sales of their used things like bags, clothes, shoes, my mother often reminded us not to sell things that we have bought. It’s either you keep it or you pass it to other when you’re no longer use it. She was strongly against getting money from selling our stuff, whether when we’re in need of money or not. So, until now, we send out a box or two of unused clothes, shoes, bags, or tableware every few months and give it to our regular recipients.

Along with that kind of mindset, a good taste also follows. Those bags, shoes, clothes, cupboard, bed sheets, or whatever it is, I don’t know how she found such good quality and chic ones. She truly had good eyes. Last four years, I haven’t bought any shoes and bags. The real shoes and bags. I have been using hers. Luckily, we have the same shoes size.

Whenever I think about my mum, I can’t help being emotional thinking how lucky I am having her as my mother and how desperate I am to be as good as her to my daughter.

I had my greatest honour as a child of being able to be next to my mother on her last days. I wish to have another one as a mother. 

I wish to be remembered like I remember my mother by my child(ren). Whenever they think about me, they will be happy and proud of having me as their mother.

Way to go and hopefully I’ll get there. Amin.

Posted in Thoughts

Sunday Morning’s Babble

Posted on by arlanadya

Silence in Sunday morning while the baby is still sleeping, breakfast checked, and nothing else to be done, always make my mind wander along to the past. Sunday morning used to be filled with lots of good cartoons on TV and fought over choosing which to be watched with my siblings. Sometimes I won, sometimes they did. Thinking about how I hated it those times back then, it is really funny knowing I really miss those things now.

The thought of the (good) old days makes my mind jump into another thing. Sibling(s) for Langit. I have constant battle in my mind about this particular thing. Mostly, you have your first child by will. You ask  and wait for it badly. But, for the next one(s), usually for some people, the will is not as strong as they have for the first one. Of course, there are exceptions where some people seem enjoying to repeat the cycles within short interval like Kate Middleton for instance. She’s currently expecting her third child after just giving birth her second this year. But then, she is Kate Middleton.

My mind is constantly changing about repeating all the cycles once again. There are times when I have firmly decided that one is more than enough for me, then the other times, the firm decision becomes as weak as jelly.

I don’t know whether we need to justify the right reason to go for second, third, and so on.  Honestly, deep inside, I am not really okay with one. But, when I looked back everything that I have been through alone, it scares me, well, pretty much. I am questioning myself whether I can be keep sane while dealing with one sometimes drained out my low level patience.

People said the first third or five years will (may)be hard, but after that, it will gradually easier and you won’t regret all those years you have been through. Well, okay.. But, my concern is how to go through those first years safely and sanely. When others worry more about money, I don’t really think about that. Money is surely important thing to raise a child well, but for that thing, I have enough confidence and trust that if we are given the next one, it will also come with its adequate sustenance. I have no doubt about that.

I worry more about time. I am in my early 30’s and I don’t know for how many years I have to raise my kids until they can do well on their own. Not having my mother around while I am being a mother makes me realise time is very limited. I am lucky enough to have her around and took as much as lesson from her during her lifetime, until I really can do well even without her presence. For every prayer I spell during shaalat, time  and health are all I ask for me so I can do the job well.

Reading the news all over the world recently makes me  want more to go for another. The world has become so much scary these days. The thought of leaving the baby alone here breaks my heart. Well, let alone the world, let’s see the nearest circle. If one day those kids are having hard times, whether with us their parents, or with others which they won’t talk about with me or their father, they will have each other back.

I have a certain limit to decide whether I will or won’t for this thing and I have told le husband about this. But then, isn’t all plan will be back to the one who decides for all affairs in our life?

That’s why I keep asking, for whatever, whenever, and whoever that Allah decides to be present in my life, He will give the best of everything according to my need. Amin.

Hence, Bonne journée à vous!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Life happens, Thoughts

Running Once Again

Posted on by arlanadya

It’s not a literal title. I am not a runner, nor a fan of running. The word here refers to the current situation where is being well described as running.

Ramadan is here. Years before, Ramadan always brings something different. Something fun, exciting, meaningful, and gives that warm feeling.

The last four years, after all those big things happened in 2012, life has been pretty plain. It’s all about work. Maybe the only major change is having Langit. Other than that, it’s totally about working and saving. Never been to anywhere for the last four years. Literally nowhere.

This year, Ramadan surprisingly brings some unexpected circumstances. If all is going well, I will have the very first mudik during my 30 years of living. We’re going to visit Yangti on the second day of Idul Fitri insya Allah. This will be the first time for Langit to be on the plane, which gives me quite concern.

One thing always leads to another. Other than that, we happen to prepare another bigger journey. For me, it’s the one who has been becoming my constant stomach ache for a long time.

One first huge step was made and even that already felt like an accomplishment for me. Knowing how much and how long I have been holding back. Thinking that it will come very much later than sooner regarding the situation we’ve been living in for the past few years.

Made that first huge step was scary. But, it was as if the universe let it happened. Few past weeks feel surreal, exciting, yet full of worries. The next big step is being prepared and it consumes lots of energy, time, and of course, money. Can’t go with details about this until we (hopefully) really make it.

Chasing a dream is not like playing around. It takes determination, persistence, and your strongest faith to do your best and leave the result for Him to decide. And here I am, using all my resources to go here and there, until we reach the final destination.

I am going to have a faster speed after Idul Fitri. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely pray May this time, it’s really my turn.

Amin.

Posted in Life happens, Thoughts, Travel

The Road to An Unachieved Dream

Posted on by arlanadya

Today, Wednesday 15 June 2016, as early as 4.45 am, I was securing the very first real step to my most longing dream for years.

Among three, this is the only one I wasn’t able to achieve before marriage. I have been doing lots of things to be here, not only once thinking about to let it go, but in the end, I know I will never be able to really let it go. It won’t leave me. It will keep haunting until it is unlocked.

The past four days have been like a war inside my heart and mind. The battle between to do or not to do has been very intense. Doing a very massive researches using every single possible keywords to assure this time, it’s really the time.

Calculating between the loss and the gain then finally, sincerely asking The One and Only for Him to take care this one longest dream until the end. Ask Him for all blessing to make it happen.

I wish my mum were here, so she can really witness that I am working on this one dream. No one knows better than her how much I want this. I am really going this time, Mum.

I will, Insya Allah.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

From Me to Me

Posted on by arlanadya

Self-reminder for me due to recent circumstance which bothered my mind, shaken my emotion, like a lot. I have known before long that the world out there is not a comfortable place. Lots of mean people could hurt you physically and mentally. But, not until I become a mother, I feel the real pain of being treated pretty bad by others related to my child.
Ah, so another lesson to learn here.

Dear self, just remember this :Those who despise you will be the ones who toughen you.
Thank them.

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Let’s do at least this much for your child, dear fellow mothers. So maybe the world becomes a bit nicer place.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Long-term Relationships

Posted on by arlanadya

This morning, something suddenly barged into my mind. It’s quite special so it deserves a blogpost.

This year around this month, I am having a BEP. If you happened to be an economic major student or any similar majors, you must know BEP. It’s Break Even Point. In a simple definition, it’s a condition where a revenue you get is even with the cost you have spent.

In my case, it’s not about the cost. It’s about time. 13 years of piano studying and another 13 years of piano teaching. Thirteen years sounds pretty long, huh? Ah, if we sum up both, then it becomes twenty six years. A bloody 26 years relationship with this piano thing. Sounds even longer, doesn’t it?

Long time ago, I have realized something about a certain thing in my life. I think long-term relationship is my forte. Seems I am destined to that. Either in personal or non-personal, I have mostly been having such a long entanglement.

From simple things like a bag or shoes to a relationship with people, I have years of acquaintance. I have been wearing my Gabor shoes for ten years and still counting. I have been together with my piano for twenty six years, I have been coming to the same exercise class since I was in the second year of high school. So, it’s been around fourteen years. Then, I have been married to a person whom I’ve known and have relationship with for fourteen years.

Being in years of relationship with something or someone, does it mean everything go smoothly? Bien sure que NON!

The sole of my Gabor shoes had been through several repairings. The soles once changed and the leather had once re-sewn, yet it survives until today. It had been countless times when I cried frontally and secretly,  so heavily, asked my mom to let me quit the piano school, yet I kept going. There were times when I had been absent the exercise class, yet I always return.

There were even more and more countless times when we were facing hard times during my relationship with le husband. Any kind of relationship dramas, you mention it, we had it. On-off, bad to the worst break-ups, parents disagreement, long distance, even the marriage was almost cancelled just few weeks before the D-day because of my mum’s sickness. We finally lost her just two weeks before the wedding. In spite of all those hardships, yet we manage to stay together. Langit is the result of a long-time persistence and endurance.

When someone asked how bored it could be being with someone or something for such a long time, or how I survive along those years, here’s an answer.

I have been taught if something is broken, we do repair it or work on it, not change it.

We find solutions, not an exit door, for any problems.

We do our best to stay until the end-term appointed.

Well, no matter how much you love something or someone, in the end, you will part with them, won’t you?

As a child, I am proven to have the strength to endure some hardships. But, as a parent, honestly, I am not really sure if I can do as good as my mum to bear and stand next to my child for her to learn from some hardships. I don’t have much confidence to be as strong as my parents were. But, who knows?

Guess that is all for the morning babbles. Happy 26th piano-niversary, you! Cheers for more years to come!

Posted in Thoughts

A life that We Choose

Posted on by arlanadya

We have had new Sunday morning routine since last April. Langit has been joining a baby class with nine other babies. It’s actually a class to play and encourage stimulations. It’s quite good so far.

Along the five meetings, I notice that every babies in the class always come with both their mum and dad, or some also come with the nanny. So, some of them come with three companions. The one  who happens to have only an adult companion is mine.

It’s an hour class and babies surely went everywhere from one corner to another. While others were taking turn to chase and guard their babies, I did the job solo. Three out five, I did it alone.

Trust me, chasing a toddler for an hour is similar to a medium to heavy cardio exercise. I have been sweating physically and mentally. Sometimes, I really want to borrow one of those nannies to help, hehe.  Then, mentally sweating more because I feel like most of the time, people probably see me as a single mother.

Another exceptional is about the ride. While others were coming in their four-wheeled engine car, we came in four-wheeled manual stroller. The school is quite close, so it’s not really necessary to go by car. Maybe ten minutes by walk. Beside, Langit enjoys riding on a stroller too, which is something that she rarely has. Ah, our stroller is not a famous branded one. It’s just a simple old stroller we got from one of my uncles.

So, being mostly alone and coming ‘just’ by riding a stroller, people ask me enough with their stare.

Do I (really) care?

Hm, I did and did not. Being different from others can be both good or not that good. Since it’s been several meetings, I don’t really bother about that. People asked sometimes and I just gave them brief answer or smiled.

As long as it doesn’t bother others, I don’t mind being judged for what I have, I choose, and I do. I hope my baby learns that too. We can enjoy just with whatever things that we have. Things will never define the worth of a person.

I am not trying to be humble here. Nor playing modest. I just want to write that it feels good enjoying less comfortable things, less companions, and being noticed for some different things that you do.

Other dads might not have to work on Sunday, while hers (currently) need to. Although her daddy is often absent, one day she will understand, it is for a greater good and a bigger purpose.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy this life that we choose and be grateful for it.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

A Rocky Hard Journey

Posted on by arlanadya

I often heard the phrase being parents is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Back then, I just knew that as a common line. Until recently, then i think the phrase is not really true. Being parents is ABSOLUTELY the most difficult job in the world.

The writer is currently having a very low self-confindence as a mother due to some circumstances. Not much to tell but surely she feels pretty anxious. She really hope her mom were still here to comfort her.

She feels a bit pressured and confused whether she has been doing right or not. She surely makes mistakes, but of course those are not permanent.

Parenting is one rocky hard journey that doesn’t allow you to quit nor having days-leave. You keep climbing no matter how tired you are until you reach the top.

Not applying to this job is advisable when you’re not mature, strong, and ready enough.

It’s like the Mac user motto :
Once you go Mac, you can never go back.

It goes same with this. One way ticket, no return.

Sigh.