Posted in Favorite things, Life happens, Past learning, Places, Thoughts, Travel

The Third Longest Dream Unlocked, First Ilana Trip : Autumn in Paris

Waiting for today feels like forever since last June. Looking back to all things happened in the last four months make the heart almost exploded of mixed emotions felt.

Let’s go through the past tunnel first, shall we?

Right after the first umra when I was 19, three goals were set to be accomplished before married :

1. Master degree abroad

2. Going Hajj

3. Going to this city

The first two were checked in the same year of the marriage, but not the third one.

This city has been My constant stomachache. Having the language teacher at home made me really familiar about this city. The books were everywhere. The language was also daily spoken. One or two or three words were often used whenever we discussed something.

First time learned the language at 11. Then, it was on and off. During high school, this was one of an elective subjects for two years. Maybe, other than me, no one enjoyed this subject at all.

It has been come closer for several chances. When we visited Manchester in 1994, we had BeNeLux and this country visa with us. Sadly, chicken pox stopped us from going. In 1996, the teacher was sent for a month summer course, but again, joined her was out of option.

The dream was off for quite some times.

Then, I started working on it seriously in 2008. It was a thought of accomplishing number one and three in one shot. Master degree in this country or other countries nearby. Wherever it would be, as long as it was getting closer to number three would be fine.

Had been applying lots of universities in The Netherlands and England and received quite offering letters. Sadly, the scholarship wasn’t available. Back then, scholarships were not widely available. Not to say I would surely get it, but at least could give it a try.

Since Europe was quite hard, then the plan was revised. Instead of doing number one and three, the focus and resources were all used on number one first. It worked better than having two things at the hands. Number one was checked in 2011, after almost two years of searching.

In 2011, life happened a lot. The wedding planning had started rolling. The chance of having number three done before the wedding day was getting thinner. While number two was confirmed, number three was too far to be seen.

In 2011 also, the news of the teacher sent to one of the city in that country broke my heart a lot. She actually supposed to go the previous year, but she had to unveil herself. She refused and declined the offer. Unbelievably, the chance came once more on the following year. This time, she was told that she could keep her veil. So, she did go. As if this opportunity was chasing her until she said yes.

What made it was pretty heart-breaking, it was me who had been trying hard for almost two years, but why it seemed the teacher, who didn’t do anything to go, was the one who could go. It wasn’t fair at all.

Right after Hajj, a month after, it was the wedding day. The hope of accomplishing all three had totally gone. The chance of going within visible time was pretty zero, with le husband’s residency on the running. Until the wedding day, when the teacher was no longer here, number three was still left untouched.

Two years after marriage, the baby came. The hope was even more fading. Let alone that far, going somewhere near for couple of hours now is even not easy knowing this little baby is waiting at home. In the wildest and worse thought, number three was halfly given up. Although, the thought of dying without going there gave me a broken heart.

God has always had a funny, unexpectable, and mysterious way in fulfilling our wish. This year fasting month brought a greater blessing than we expected.

It started when the idea of homecoming to Solo was popped. Since le husband is already in his last year of residency, the schedule has been quite loose. For the first time in four years, we went for a trip by plane. Although the cost made our saving screamed a lot.

Right after bought the homecoming tickets, an idea to check the cost of number three ticket came into mind. Did it as a guilty pleasure, like I have always been doing whenever remembering number three.

Checking several airlines, it turned out one of them currently had some promos. As the curiousity was getting higher, destination and some dates were typed. Nothing serious, just wanted to check how much it would cost.

When the monitor displayed the price for two adults and an infant, the first reaction was…numb.

Such price, return, for three person? Seriously?

It might be not that cheap, but calculating quickly on my head, it was doable. At least, affordable for us. The dates input had been chosen, according to my schedule.

Couldn’t help staring at the monitor for some time. The tab had been opened for a whole day. Went to bed sighing and thinking, it would be still impossible.

The day after had never been the same. It made me checking the website every single day. Reading a lot of reviews. Comparing to almost every airlines possible. Discussing things with le husband, my father, and also my saving account.

For at least 12 days ahead, I had numerous disturbed sleeps. While le husband kept telling me just clicked and bought the tickets, while the courage was there. Telling me that I had been longing for this too long. Maybe it is really the time.

The courage came after sahoor in Ramadhan. The tickets were bought. Never in my life I spent money that much on something. For a stingy person like me, the amount spent was too scary.

Strangely, this time, instead of guilt, it felt good.

Those tickets bought were the first real thing I have done about number three. Although few months later I am still paying the debt for it, it is worth all the pain of having debt for.

The next morning, passports were being registered online and after two weeks, the new passports were ready. Passport done, the next step was one of the most important things about number three. One process which sucked almost your energy, time, and money : Visa application.

Preparing for visa was one of the most exhausting yet enriching steps about number three. It made me do lots of reading, if not to say too much reading. Almost all available articles, with any possible keywords were being read. Made sure I didn’t miss anything for my visa documents so it would be approved or before that, at least no document missing when we came to submit it.

One week after documents submission, the passports were returned. Opened the sealed envelope in front of the locket, opened the passport and… the stamp was there.

It was really there until I really wanted to cry.

The visa was there.

My permission entry to enter this country was granted.

Then, (Maybe), it is really the time.

———————
For me, it’s not a simply mere vacation. Nor an ordinary family trip.

It feels like going for another smaller Hajj. Going to the place which make your heart beating fast and has been giving you a constant stomach ache for almost three fourth of your life.

The place where you almost read everything about that, speaking the language (trying hard) like its people, knowing something about this place more than any common knowledge.

When usually people are having at least two or three countries to visit with their visa during their travel time, I (we) decide only to visit this one country, in this one city. I won’t be a hopping tourist. (Well, it’s actually a soft translation of the money is limited;))).

This one might sound too mainstream for many people, but not to me. It’s the place where some parts of the teacher’s soul lived. By the teacher, I have been talking about my mother.

The teacher who had been teaching me not only about the country and its language, but the more importantly, she taught us about having dreams and working on it until we make it.

Half of this journey, maybe about showing her up there, this time, I finally make it for my third biggest dream. She knew for sure I have been longing number three since a very young age. Sadly, she is not here to cheer with me like the previous two. But, I hope she would be proud to see everything that I have done to make this one real.

The initial plan was going alone, strolling here and there, taking pictures, resting for coffee and cake near the river, shopping till the wallet drop, visiting places on the list every single day all day long, having a day trip to the nearest cities, and many more of self-pleasing things. An ultimate self trip to end my 20s.

It turns out I am going with another two people. One of them is a baby, which gives me a lot of concern. Double and triple preparations, while having less and lower expectation. Instead of the strong 20s, it’s the less agile 30. God truly gives all my dreams checked, according to His will, not mine.

Dream then work on it to the fullest, I am the one who will decide the result, He said.

Then, let’s accept the result.

To the city where my heart has been constantly wrenching for after Mecca and Medina, here I come. I’ll see you there, Mom.

October 25, 2003 : the departure day of the journey when the three dreams were set.

October 25, 2016 : the departure day of the third and longest dream.

Missions accomplished.

Bismillah, off we go.

My First and Second are here.

Posted in Thoughts

Birthday Babble*

Never really a big fans of birthday. Love the presents but not the celebration. So, apart from those in the childhood which all were done at home, never once having any birthday parties outside. Not even school.

Sad? Not at all. Being in a crowd and become the centre of attention is scary. So, I really have no problem.

Then, maybe around ten or twelve years ago, stop craving for any presents. It was quite confusing when people asked what I wanted for birthday. It felt like I had enough things already. That was when the tradition of giving money for birthday started. Nah, I loved this one better. Saving is one of my favorites things to do, bank is one of my happy places, while the scent of clean and new money is one of the best ones. Hoho!

The only thing I love about birthday is the wishes. It’s nice having those who remember one special day for you. Although the relationship is not the intense one, they always come back for birthday greetings.

As years gone by, getting less and less wishes are unavoidable. it comes only from certain ones who are always present, and I love this. I love having those who are really matters for me, return the feeling. Having birthday wishes from them is more than enough. I am all good. 

Some memorable years marked by having the dreams checked. First umra on the 19th, a letter acceptance for master on the 26th, hajj departure on the 28th, and the last one, this year. Three dreams are all checked around the birthday date.

Guess I really have enough. Physically and mentally enough. 

I live, eat, sleep, work, pray in a healthy condition. I feel save, comfortable, and suffice with things I have. I have been through and given enough lessons to learn, though some are too unpleasants, but then, it’s done.

Although I am saying I have enough above, but the rest of the journey hope to be spent by having more of something : patience.

Then, I am good.
Joyeaux anniversaire, chére moi.

* never really write on the exact day of the birthday.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

The End of An Era

Meeting with the old friends always leave something to be thought of. This lovely bunch was a high school best friends in the third year. It’s been six…teen (ha!)  years after we graduated, lots of changes happened, yet one thing stays the same, their oldselves.

In spite what positions they are currently sitting in, more money they have, they truly are the same as they were. Instead of bragging about their achievements, new materials belonging, they share their own battle. Behind every smiles shown, each of us are still fighting our own battle. Either career, family, love life, are all present.

One may has a very good career in government institution, more than enough materials, yet still waiting for a child. One has a nice little family, yet still struggling with his career. Another one has good career and nice family, yet has to live far away from his family in another town outside Java.

In every gathering we have, some talks about the pasts were always brought up. Laughing at those good old days, when nothing worries us more than a killer biology teacher who always proposed lots of questions in every lesson. 

Or fast forward few years after, we went for a trip to Kota Tua, which turned quite failed since all the museums were closed due to public holiday, but was also considered as the most successful and happiest one.

When one by one are finally settling down, getting married, the meeting is also getting harder to set up. Unmatched schedules or any other reasons are likely preventing us to meet, and mostly the reasons come from family matters. Family event, a sick child, office/work event, etc. Everyone seems too busy to even meet for a mere ninety minutes. The friendship seems no longer on the top list of priorities.

It’s quite understandable though. I always believe, marriage, then after that,kids, change a whole game of your life. It feels like giving up half remote control of your life to these things. 

Before, whenever an idea of meeting was set, I would just go without many things to consider.  After married with kids, lots of term and conditions are applied. Please don’t be too far, too long, choose a place where it is comfortable enough for nursing, and bla bla bla.

One of a good friend from the circle, was once a tax employee and then after few years, he gave up his firm position and enrolled to a pilot school to pursue his dream. He is married with a daughter. Three years after, he finished the study and came back reunited with his family. After six months and up to yesterday, he is still struggling to find one pilot position, in spite of lots available airlines and his education background.

Looking from two sides, it’s good thing having a dream to be pursued. But in the other hand, pursuing a personal dream when we have other important responsibilities might be considered unfair. Luckily, the wife is supportive enough. Being a single parent during his study, a bread winner for the household, even after six months he came home. Come on, it’s only six months, right?

Hohoho, try that yourself.Being a husband, father, who has no job, no income, gave up the previous settle job for a dream, let’s make a bet whether you can survive for a month, IF,  you don’t have a strong partner to get your back so you can keep standing still. Not everyone is lucky enough.

Being such wife and mother is surely far from easy. There are so much to deal with. Her work at office, her 2,5 years daughter, her husband and the family future as well, and many other unseen things. Girls should really have a right and full comprehension about what it takes before deciding to settle down with someone.

Thus, when my brother once thought he would get married first then pursuing his second master degree abroad, I quite strongly against the idea. While he even didn’t have a suitable one with him yet, why bother giving up the study for such uncertain reason. Glad he could think rationally. Unless, he wouldn’t have enjoyed London as he pleases in a current time.

There will always be the end of an era where things would no longer be in your favours. Sometimes, life happens too cruel to deal with. Before such time comes, make the most of your time. Spent those happy, reckless youth to the fullest. 

Don’t stop running too early. Whether you like it or not, want it or not, the finish line will always wait for you in the end. Don’t bother to make it earlier. Enjoy the scenery to your heart’s content. Bring a lot to your brain to face harder challenges ahead.

A finish line is obviously the end of an era, but it also happen to be another starting line to the new chapter.

Of course, a higher level one.

May we all have enjoyable journey for each chapters in our life. 

Good luck.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Dreams and Twists

Always being a careful and overly thinking person in almost everything, no wonder the anxiety level is quite high. Too strict and unflexible might be good for some things but surely not everything. Not easy to let things go means giving the best and being all out to do a total fight for every important matters in life.

Experiencing the journey of executing three personal dreams,  reminiscing every single little things done until it really happened felt quite surreal. Surreal because it seemed so unexpected this lazy girl could do that far and that much for something she really wanted.

Each of dreams has their own story, fight, failure, and one that we always forget, the twist. The bigger dreams took the bigger twist.

Welcoming 2012 with such a big heart knowing there would be three big things accomplished that year, thinking how perfect it would be, ready to mark 2012 as the best years  of my life. Done with dream number one, followed by number two few months later, and not long after, tied the knot.

Tying a knot with someone was not part of  the dream list. Never actually. Getting married to someone is the limit time when I should be done with my personal things. 

Why? Every decision make after married won’t solely depend on myself, but also the other person, even more sometimes, more than one person. That’s why girls, I strongly advise, do and accomplish as many as possible, as much as you can, as far as you want, before deciding to settle down with someone. Life after married won’t ever be the same anymore.

Overwhelmed by excitements over these made me forget one old phrase : do your best and let God do the rest. Men plan, God decides. 
He gave me three big things one could have within a year, but with term and conditions. It felt like He said, ” I give you three, BUT, I also take three, “.

First, Master degree abroad, graduated with flying colors : checked.

Second, Hajj before married, literally before married like a month before : checked.

Third, Married to one that you want after those long hard years and drama : checked.

However,

No pain, no gain, isn’t it?

Let’s do the God’s math.

By having the first, He took one that I loved so much. One whose nice scent would always linger, the most loving, cleanest, upright, most compassionate, stick to her shalat, Grandmother left just few months before graduation. It wasn’t  the fact she passed away that broke the heart. It was a missing chance of saying my final goodbye to her. I was thousand miles away from her. Nothing worse than missing the last chance to say goodbte to your loved ones.

Then, having number two was very precious. Not many have a chance to do Hajj at a quite young age, with all of their heart. So, shall we take another one?

One who was the most helpful, never grumpy, a tall and handsome one, the best and kindest uncle left exactly two weeks after his mother. Too much mourning within two weeks.

Finally, having the number three means a new whole journey began. A life changing journey. Thus, the twist level should be as high as the gift. 

I have no words to explain about this one. One who should be standing right next to my father on the wedding day left exactly two weeks before the wedding date.

Thankfully, a very proper chance was given. Went Hajj together, just the two of us, took care her, bathing, cleaning all part of her body in the hospital, slept over there everyday for thirteen days, sit right next to her until her last breath, it was one of the greatest honours I have received in my life. Serving one that gave you the most on her last days.

Back to 2016, it seems four years are enough to make someone forgets. Right when the last dream started rolling to happen, busy here and there, doing lots of things, make the twist is forgotten. Thinking maybe this is finally and really the time for number three, it hit pretty hard when I realized, with an executed dreams, twist will always follow. It’s not given separately. 

Again, since it is about a personal dream, then personal relationship would be a perfect twist this time. Some tiny part was taken from the relationship. Tiny part which changed the game. Once again, it happened right two weeks before doing the most important part of the dreams.

If one asks whether all these twists make me regret of having those dreams, the answer is no.

Having those dreams take me to the best inner self-journey I have ever experienced. Knowing how far and how long I can go, how persistent and determined I can be.

While having those twists show me how strong this heart can be, how good I can endure, how hard to stand back on your own feet after losing some important parts of your body. Show me truth of the saying, ‘Life must go on’. 

So I do. With all the strength left to go on.

Not much, not completely okay, but it’s enough. 

Having enough is good enough for me.
 
In the end, the cycle of each of dreams is similar. Get myself few nice dreams, working hard on it, get slapped by the twist, fall, stand back, and go on.

Thank you for the lessons and surprises, universe.

Have a nice dream and hurtful twist!

Posted in Favorite things, Thoughts, Travel

A Granted Wish : Happy and Sad

After 2012, right after having the second big dream, the passport was expired. A promise then made, it wouldn’t be renewed until the next destination was clear, which by that means the third big dream. The third one also the longest one I have been dreaming.

I truly, sincerely, wanted once the passport is renewed, I must have known that I would be going within short period. I promised I would have this certain visa stamped on the first page of the new passport. Other than that, no need to bother renewing the passport.

Today, the wish is granted.

Started a whole real journey three months ago, prepared all the requirements to apply the visa and made sure to have no mistake so it will have the least possibility of being unapproved. Been reading almost all available articles to avoid any mistakes. 

Submitted the document a week ago, without any missing documents needed. 

One week later, an email received said the passports had returned.

Went to collect it today and when the envelope was unsealed, then..

The visa was there. 

Alhamdulillah.

The first thing came across my mind was my mother. She was the only one who really understands how much I have been longing for this one. Sadly, she was no longer here when I truly make it.

It’s such a big happiness to have the wish granted today, remembering all those things that I have been going through to get here. But, it’s quite sad knowing the person I really want to share this with was no longer here.

Maman, j’ai le fait. J’espere que tu me vois la bas. Je fait mon troiséme rêve.

Donc, au revoir à ton ville!

Je suis vraiment alleerrrrr!!!!!

Posted in Favorite things, Thoughts, Travel

Tentang Mimpi dan Haji (Bagian 2)

Lanjutan dari post ini

Sore hari sehari sebelum 9 Dzulhijjah, semua calon jamaah haji bergerak ke Arafah. Kami sudah disuruh siap-siap dari setelah zuhur dan ternyata baru benar-benar berangkat jam 5.30. Sabar adalah salah satu hal yang paling wajib dibawa dalam menjalankan rangkaian ibadah Haji ini. Sabar nunggu, sabar antri, sabar semuanya.

Sampai Arafah, kita akan ditempatkan di tenda-tenda sesuai dengan kelompok negara dan Kloter. Di dalam tenda hanya ada karpet yang bisa digunakan untuk rebahan, tentu berbagi dengan jamaah lain. Kamar mandi di Arafah cukup banyak dan masih bisa saya tolerir.

Wukuf dilakukan pada tanggal 9 Dzulhijjah sampai matahari terbenam. Ini seperti berdiam diri, memperbanyak doa dan zikir, tapi juga diselingi sedikit ceramah. Tiap kloter bisa berbeda-beda. Dianjurkan doa sebanyak-banyaknya ketika wukuf karena iu adalah salah satu waktu yang mustajab.

Menjelang maghrib, perjalanan dilanjutkan ke Muzdalifah. Jarak antara Arafah dan Muzdalifah cukup dekat tapi jamaah Indonesia kebanyakan naik bis yang disediakan. Banyak jamaah dari negara lain yang berjalan kaki dari Arafah ke Muzdalifah. Memang yang dicontohkan Rasulullah berjalan kaki, tapi tetap bisa disesuaikan.

Di Muzdalifah hanya bermalam, yang maksudnya adalah kita harus sampai disana sebelum tengah malam, dan lewat tengah malam, kita akan melanjutkan perjalanan ke Mina. Di Muzdalifah ini juga kita harus mengumpulkan batu yang akan digunakan untuk melempar Jumroh di Mina. 

Muzdalifah seperti lapangan besar yang berisi manusia. Buat saya, mungkin ini gambaran paling  nyata ketika nanti kita dikumpulkan di padang Mahsyar. Di bawah langit Muzdalifah, pemandangan lautan manusia ini benar-benar buat saya merinding.

Lewat tengah malam, bis-bis yang akan membawa jamaah ke Mina sudah menunggu. Di sini, seluruh jamaah berbaris menunggu gilirannya naik ke bis. Momen ini buat saya terasa seperti saat kita akan menunggu dihisab. Mungkin agak.sulit dimengerti, tapi coba bayangkan ratusan ribu (ato jutaan?) manusia dari berbagai belahan bumi, berkumpul di satu tempat, mengantri  untuk diangkut ke tujuan berikutnya, tanpa bisa kita bedakan asalnya. Di situ saya merasa kalo ini yang dimaksud semua manusia sama di hadapan Allah. Dengan pakaian ihram yang nyaris ngga berbeda, semua manusia ini benar-benar terlihat sama.

Mina merupakan hal terberat yang saya lewati selama proses ibadah haji. Ini yang akan saya jadikan alasan utama kenapa haji akan lebih baik dilakukan ketika muda.

Di Mina kita akan tinggal beberapa hari untuk melontar jumroh. Kalo wukuf dan mabit di Muzdalifah memang harus dilaksanakan sendiri, melontar jumroh adalah ibadah yang bisa diwakilkan, meskipun tetap di bermalam di Mina. Saya mewakilkan ibu saya karena kondisinya tidak memungkinkan untuk berjalan jauh.

Tempat dari tenda ke  tempat melontar jumroh cukup lumayan jauh. Mungkin sekitar enam kilo bolak balik dan itu dilakukan selama tiga kali dalam tiga hari. Waktu yang paling dianjurkan adalah setelah matahari terbit agak tinggi, sekitar jam 7-8. KBIH saya memilih untuk lebih awal karena mempertimbangkan kondisi jamaahnya yang kebanyakan orang tua yang akan sulit berdesakan dan menahan panas matahari. Kami biasanya melontar sebelum subuh.

Jika menilai hanya dari ritualnya, ngga ada sama sekali yang berat dari Haji. Wukuf hanya berdiam diri duduk dan berdoa. Mabit di Muzdalifah hanya duduk, boleh kalo mau tiduran kaya saya, pake tiker lipet di atas bebatuan, dan jangan lupa mencari batu, Mina hanya bermalam dan melontarkan batu-batu yang kita kumpulkan ke tiga tiang Jumroh. Thawaf hanya berputar mengelilingi Ka’bah, Sa’i hanya berlari kecil dan sebenernya bisa jalan juga sesuai kemampuan, Tahalul hanya menggunting rambut, yang jumlahnya ngga seberapa.

Semua ‘hanya’. Yang membuat hal-hal tersebut cukup berat adalah proses yang harus dilewati untuk melakukannya. Buat saya, pengalaman di Mina cukup menguji kesabaran.

Sejauh-jauhnya perjalanan dari tenda ke tempat Jumroh bolak balik, ngga seberapa dibanding kan apa yang harus dilewati seharian di tenda. Tenda di Mina (yang saya dapat) cukup sesak untuk dibagi dengan jumlah anggota rombongan saya. Masing-masing hanya bisa cukup rebahan dalam posisi terlentang tanpa bisa hadap kanan kiri. Tendanya ada pendingin tapi ngga berpengaruh banyak karena orangnya pun cukup banyak. Cuaca di Mina pun sangat panas. Siang bisa mencapai 45-47 derajat celcius. 

Saya selalu meletakan handuk basah di kepala saya ketika akan ambil wudhu di bawah. Selesai ambil wudhu dan balik ke tenda, handuk sudah kering. Wudhu lima menit bisa bikin handuk basah jadi kering? Tentu tidak.

Jangan bayangkan seperti wudhu di mesjid yang cuma lima menit selesai. Kalo waktu zuhur itu jam 12.00, maka di Mina sebaiknya antri wudhu itu dilakukan dari jam 11.15. Iya, 45 menit. Apalagi kalo ditambah mau buang air kecil dulu. Antri kamar mandi di Mina adalah hal yang paling menyeramkan selama ibadah haji.

Bukan sekedar antrinya, kamar mandinya pun sama menyeramkannya. Kotor, bau, buat yang jijikan dan paling cerewet sama kamar mandi kaya saya, ngga ada yang menyiksa dari ini. Lebih parah lagi, banyak juga jamaah dari negara kita yang yah… sulit juga. Antri segitu panjang, bisa-bisanya nyuci baju di dalem selama 20 menit!

Ini ngebuat yang antri pun ngga sabar, dan melakukan hal yang sama menyeramkannya. Buang air kecil di tempat wudhu. Saya rasanya tiap waktu solat pengen nangis sekali. Sampai tempat wudhunya pun bau pesing. Dan kami harus bertahan di Mina selama tiga hari. Salah satu tiga hari terpanjang di hidup saya.

Kembali ke Mekkah, saya dan rombongan memilih berisirahat dulu dan baru menyelesaikan Thawaf Ifadah dan Sa’i keesokan harinya. Setelah lima hari perjalanan, berdesak-desakan di Masjidil Haram bukan pilihan yang bagus. Kami menyelesaikan Thawaf dan Sa’i keesokan harinya setelah sholat subuh. Saya dan ibu saya memisahkan diri supaya bisa lebih santai. Kami mulai thawaf sekitar jam enam dan baru selesai  sa’i menjelang zuhur. Selama itu karena kondisi yang cukup penuh dan kondisi ibu saya yang mengharuskan kami berjalan lebih lambat dan banyak beristirahat.

Hari-hari selanjutnya adalah liburan full yang hanya diisi dengan makan, tidur, ke mesjid, belanja, jajan, ibadah lain, tidur lagi, dan seterusnya. Paling sama nyuci baju ya . 

Untuk jamaah haji DKI, Pemdanya cukup berbaik hati karena makan siang dan makan malam jamaah hajinya ditanggung. Ini tidak semua. Jamaah haji daerah lain rata-rata entah masak sendiri atau cari makan di luar. Bahkan Bekasi pun tidak dapat makan. 

Selain makan, jamaah haji DKI juga mendapat fasilitas bis khusus yang membawa kita ke Masjidil Haram dari maktab. Tinggal tunjukan kartu pengenal haji, bisa naik. Bis Indonesia juga ada tapi lebih penuh. Bis DKI ini kosong, bersih, dan nyaman. Beberapa kali petugasnya pun mau mengangkut jamaah haji darerah lain karena bisnya masih kosong. Pemberhentian bis DKI ini pun lebih strategis, yaitu di pintu utama Masjidil Haram. Sedangkan bis Indonesia lewat pintu Sa’i di bagian belakang.

Kalo urusan belanja, orang Indonesia emang ngga ada lawan. Seakan-akan uangnya ngga habis-habis,hehe. Karena sudah tiga kali kesana, saya ngga banyak belanja printilan-printilan. Saya dan ibu saya sudah tau mau beli apa dimana. Oleh-oleh parfum dan sajadah ada toko khusus langganan kami di Hilton. Harga sedikit di atas, tapi kualitas dan model jauh dari pasaran. Teman sekamar saya senang sekali waktu dibawa ke Museum. Belanjanya kalap. Bahkan balik lagi sendiri sesudahnya.
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Satu hal yang agak memprihatinkan, meskipun setiap tahun jamaah Indonesia itu yang terbesar, tapi ngga sebanding sama fasilitas yang didapat. Seperti tenda waktu di Mina. Punya jamaah Indonesia itu jauh, panas, dan yah seperti yang saya ceritakan di atas. Waktu saya lewat tendanya Malaysia, duhh, enakk bangett. Deket dari tempat jumroh, dingin, luas, makannya prasmanan, dan saya yakin kamar mandinya ngga separah punya kita. Di Mekkah pun sama, Maktab jamaah Indonesia rata-rata cukup jauh. Saya untuk sampai ke Masjidil Haram kalo naik bis Indonesia harus ganti dua kali. Sedangkan maktab jamaah Malaysia, Brunei, Singapore itu semua bisa ditempuh dengan jalan kaki lima menit. Benar-benar di belakang Masjidil Haram. 

Buat saya ini penting ya. Pengennya pasti selama kurang lebih sebulan di Mekkah bisa memaksimalkan ibadah di Masjidil Haram. Kalo bisa lima waktu semua di Masjid. Bisa thawaf di antara waktu solat. Jarang yang dekat sangat membantu. Jarak maktab saya dan mesjid membuat saya ngga memungkinkan untuk solat lima waktu tiap hari.

Jadwal yang bisa saya efektifkan adalah jadi berangkat sebelum subub untuk Tahajud sekalian nunggu subuh. Setelah subuh saya thawaf sampe waktu dhuha. Setelah dhuha saya pulang untuk beres-beres, nyuci, dan istirahat. Zuhur saya lewatkan. Sebelum Ashar saya brangkat lagi untuk ashar sampai maghrib. Sambil nunggu sambil ngaji atau ngeliatin Ka’bah aja. Setelah maghrib saya pulang. Isya di rumah. Lho, ngga tanggung?

Iya emang tanggung. Tapi, saya udah dari ashar dan cukup cape kalo sampe isya. Setelah isya juga bisnya penuh sekali. Ibu saya pun udah nunggu di Maktab. Ibu saya karena sakit, lebih banyak di Maktab. Dia pasti nunggu saya makan malem. Jadi, itu semaksimal yang bisa saya usahakan dengan jarak maktab yang saya dapat.

Saya sehari-hari ke Masjid kalo ngga sama teman sekamar saya terpaksa sendiri. Supaya ngga kliatan sendiri, saya suka nguntit aja di belakang jamaah yang gerombol. Karena emang ngga nyaman terlihat sendiri disana. Tapi, kalo ngga gitu saya bisa ngga ke mesjid terus. Ketika udah sampai mesjid, udah ngga gitu masalah karena ngga terlihat. Justru sendiri lebih gampang nyelip ke depan cari tempat. Target saya itu tiap solat adalah saya mau lihat Ka’bah. Sebisa mungkin saya akan maju ke depan dimana Ka’bah terlihat dengan jelas. Rugi jauh-jauh cuma liat tembok atau orang.

Waktu shalat Jum’at adalah yang terpadat selama di Mekkah. Saya hanya ikut dua kali. Setelah yang kedua sangat trauma karena hampir kehabisan nafas berdesakan waktu keluar Jumatan. Betul-betul padat dan mengerikan. Saya hampir pingsan kalo ngga ditarik oleb seorang bapak-bapak keluar kerumunan. Berdesakan dengan jamaah Afrika yang tinggi dan besarnya berapa kali lipat saya bukan pengalaman yang menyenangkan.

Oya, memakai alas kaki yang nyaman itu wajib hukumnya kalo naik ONH biasa. Supaya kaki ngga lecet karena harus banyak jalan. Jangan sekali-kali pake sendal jepit kaya mau sholat ke mesjid dekat rumah. Pake yang sol tebel dan nyaman. Crocs dan sejenisnya ngga disarankan. Mahal dikit ngga apa. Buat ibadah juga. Kalo kaki lecet malah ngga bisa ibadah karena ngga bisa jalan. Lebih banyak ruginya.

Sampai tahun 2008-2009, waktu tunggu haji masih sekitar 3-4 tahun dari dapat nomer porsi sampai waktu berangkat, dengan ONH biasa. Kalo pake yang plus bisa tahun itu juga. Mulai 2012, waktu tunggu DKI sudah jadi … 10 tahun. Sekarang terakhir saya dengar sampai 15-16 tahun. Bahkan ONH plus pun pake waktu tunggu sekarang. Mungkin sekitar 5-7 tahun, jelas dengan biaya yang lebih mahal.

Hal ini juga jadi alasan Haji, atau daftar Haji sebaiknya dilakukan sedini mungkin. Dengan waktu tunggu yang segitu lamanya, sedih bukan kalau kita punya kemudahan dari segi umur dan rejeki tapi ngga pernah sampai kesana untuk Haji. Cuti Haji di Indonesia ngga usah dipusingin, hampir pasti dikasih Haji itu sangat fleksibel dan bisa dinego.

Ketika kita udah punya 25 juta cash, bisa langsung daftar ke bank untuk buka rekening Haji dan langsung urus ke kanwil depag di domisili kita untuk dapat nomer porsi. Berangkat naik ONH plus atau biasa tetap harus dapat nomor porsi dulu. Ngga masalah ketika di antara waktu tunggu kita punya rejeki lebih mau pergi dengan ONH plus supaya berangkat lebih cepat. Juga lebih nyaman harusnya.

Dua puluh lima juta ngga sebanyak dan sesulit itu kalo memang sudah niat. Kaya harga tiket ke Eropa ngga promo naik maskapai yang bagus. Disegerakan ketika kaki masih tegak berdiri dan langkah masih kuat berlari. Urusan jadi berangkat kapan serahkan sama Yang Mengundang. Yang penting kita sudah usahakan apa yang jadi bagian kita.

Semoga hati, rejeki, umur, dan langkah kita dimudahkan untuk menggenapkan rukun Islam yang terakhir ini. 

Selamat berhaji untuk semua jamaah haji yang berangkat tahun ini. Semoga Allah mudahkan selamat sampai kembali ke tanah air dan mendapatkan haji mabrur. Amin.

Posted in Favorite things, Thoughts, Travel

Tentang Mimpi dan Haji (Bagian 1)

Beberapa tahun belakangan, traveling seakan jadi hal baru yang bisa dianggap seperti sebuah pencapaian, selain hal-hal seperti barang-barang bermerek, entah baju, sepatu, mobil, atau apapun itu. Satu kemudahan seperti harga tiket yang kadang level murahnya kebangetan bisa buat traveling jadi hal yang memungkinkan bagi banyak orang. 

Salah satu hal terbaik yang saya dapat dari orangtua saya adalah frekuensi dan kualitas bepergian yang mereka berikan buat anak-anaknya. Frekuensi yang dimaksud bukan artinya tiap liburan bepergian. Tapi, hampir semua trip keluarga yang mereka berikan, saya ingat semua dengan baik sampai puluhan taun kedepan. 

Mulai dari trip pertama ke Manchester dan beberapa kota di Inggris, road trip keliling pulau Jawa, umroh pertama dan kedua,beberapa trip kecil lain seperti waktu saya S2 pun tetap sama berkesannya. Tapi, di atas semua itu, Haji adalah yang paling berkesan.

Musim haji tahun ini sudah dimulai. Calon Haji kloter awal sudah ada yang sampai di Madinah. Biarpun ngga pergi, setelah Haji di tahun 2012, tiap musim haji saya selalu senang. Liat persiapan orang yang berangkat, liat pengalaman mereka disana lewat instagram. Ikut senang karena melihat orang-orang yang akan menjalani salah satu perjalanan terbaik di hidup mereka.

Saya ngga akan cerita panjang lebar tentang pengalaman Haji seperti disini, tapi mungkin lebih ingin berbagi pertimbangan mengapa Haji akan lebih menyenangkan dan mungkin menguntungkan jika dimasukan sebagai salah satu bucket list traveling selagi muda. 

Setelah umroh pertama waktu usia 19 tahun, saya punya tiga bucket list yang mau saya coret sebelum menikah. S2 di luar negeri, Haji, dan yang ketiga belum bisa disebut karena sedang dan hampir dicoret, jika memungkinkan.

Diantara tiga, dua teratas Alhamdulillah bisa tereksekusi di tahun yang sama. Lulus S2, Haji, dan menikah Allah kasih ketiga hal tersebut dalam waktu enam bulan. Juli, Oktober, Desember.

Persiapannya jelas ngga enam bulan. Haji dimulai ketika selang enam bulan dari umroh pertama, saya dapat kerjaan tetap. Umroh pertama itu ketika Ramadhan 2003, ketika saya semeater 1 kuliah, dan saya jatuh cinta sehabis-habisnya dengan dua kota itu. Sepulang dari sana,  saya memutuskan untuk berhijab dan punya tujuan menabung yang sangat jelas. Setelah empat tahun, selesai kuliah, saya akan pergi haji dulu insya Allah.

Ada alasan kenapa hal sekecil niat itu jadi sangat penting dalam mengerjakan apapun. Saya hanya mengucapkan hal diatas dengan lisan, trus bilang juga ke ibu saya. Tapi, ngga bener-bener tau gimana caranya bisa merealisasikan itu dalam empat tahun, selain nabung dari uang bulanan yang mungkin ngga seberapa. Kalo dengan matematikanya manusia, ngga bakal bisa juga nyampe ke jumlah yang diperlukan untuk naik Haji empat tahun lagi.

Tapi, kaya umur dan jodoh, rejeki itu emang ghaib. Enam bulan setelah umroh, saya dapat kerjaan tetap dengan gaji tiap bulan. Pendapatan saya jadi meningkat drastis. Masih kuliah tingkat 1, kebutuhan ngga banyak, ngga suka belanja juga, saya putusin untuk buka satu rekening khusus (bukan rekening haji) untuk biaya naik haji. Rekening yang cuma boleh masuk tanpa bisa keluar kecuali udah kepepet.

Empat tahun kemudian, tahun 2007, jumlahnya jelas masih jauh dari yang dibutuhkan. Buat dapet nomer porsi juga belum sampe. Tapi, jumlahnya sangat lumayan dan saya putuskan untuk pindahin itu ke rekening khusus haji di salah satu bank. Toh, untuk daftar nanti pun memang harus ada rekening haji di bank. 

Ada jeda kurang lebih 9 bulan dari saya lulus sampai saya dapet pekerjaan kedua yang saya suka dan full time. Jadi, saya punya dua pekerjaan yang dua2nya saya suka, baik pekerjaannya maupun uangnya. Enam bulan setelah melakukan dua pekerjaan senin-sabtu, saya dateng lagi ke bank, masukin sisa untuk genap 20 juta dan dapet nomer porsi.

Mendapatkan nomer porsi bukan semudah dateng ke bank ya. Setelah urusan surat-surat di bank selesai, kita harus urus sendiri ke kanwil depag di domisili kita. Saya ngurus sendiri waktu itu. 

Depag bukan terkenal dengan pelayanannya yang cepat, ramah, apalagi efisien. Saya sempat menghabiskan beberapa hari bolak balik sampai akhirnya semua dokumen beres dan saya dapat prediksi  berangkat di tahun 2012. 
Mengeksekusi mimpi itu perasaan yang benar-benar luar biasa.

Jeda antara 2008-2012 saya gunakan untuk nabung sekaligus ngerjain mimpi yang pertama. Tahun 2009, saya dikasih pekerjaan ringan dengan uang lumayan. Jadi, saya kerja senin-minggu. Cape? Jelas. Seneng? Lebih jelas. 

Bukan sekedar nabung, tapi saya secara rutin beli dolar. Tiap sampe punya uang 10juta saya langsung dateng ke ayumas, beli 1000. Bahkan sempet punya rekening dolar karena kalo disimpen sendiri lumayan (kebanyakan maksudnya? Yaa gitu deh..).

Perkiraan biaya haji di tahun 2012 adalah sekitar 37 juta. Kemungkinan turun naik bisa bervariasi. Ternyata, yang bervariasi bukan hanya biaya, tapi juga waktu berangkat. Tahun 2011, waktu saya masih sekolah, petugas depag menelpon ke rumah kalo nomer porsi saya dan ibu saya masuk ke dalam calon haji tahun itu. 

Perasaan saya benar-benar campur aduk. Segini di depan matanya tapi kok ya pas banget ada hal yang ngga bisa saya tinggalin. Kebetulan ibu saya pas juga lagi di Prancis. Ibu saya sudah naik Haji sebelumnya. Beliau memutuskan ikut lagi dengan niat memperbaiki Hajinya yang pertama. Dan mungkin karena mau nemenin saya.

Akhirnya dengan berat hati saya ajukan bahwa saya ngga bisa berangkat tahun itu dan otomatis nomer kami akan masuk tahun depan. Toh memang awalnya prediksi berangkat adalah 2012.

Saya pergi Haji dengan ONH biasa yang durasinya 40 hari, dengan ikut grup KBIH dari masjid istiqlal. Ada biaya tambahan jika kita ikut KBIH tertentu. Waktu itu biayanya sekitar 4 jutaan. 40 hari mungkin terdengar lama, tapi tidak ketika kita udah sampai sana.

40 hari itu terbagi kurang lebih 27- hari di Mekkah dan 9-10 hari di Madinah dipotong waktu perjalanan. Calon haji yang berangkat pada kloter awal akan ke Madinah dulu baru ke Mekkah. Sedangkan kloter akhir Mekkah dulu baru Madinah.

Secara kenyamanan, kloter awal lebih nyaman. Kita datang waktu masih agak sepi, baik di Mekkah maupun Madinah. Masih bisa menikmati ibadah tanpa desak-desakan. Saya pergi dapat kloter akhir. Dari 50 kloter DKI Jakarta, saya dapat kloter 49. Akhir dari yang paling akhir.

Sejak dulu saya tau, hampir ngga ada hal yang bisa saya dapat dan jalankan dengan mudah di hidup saya. Haji inipun termasuk salah satunya.

Haji diletakan sebagai rukun Islam terakhir dengan syarat bagi yang mampu dengan alasan yang sangat kuat. Butuh seluruh kesiapan baik uang, waktu, fisik, mental, dan kepasrahan yang total.

Pergi haji dengan kloter akhir artinya kita akan sampai di Mekkah dalam keadaan yang sudah sangat padat karena hanya tinggal beberapa hari menjelang wukuf. 

Perjalanan saya dimulai dari Jumat pagi masuk asrama Haji, kemudian bersiap meninggalkan asrama sabtu dini hari, menuju bandara, proses imigrasi, dan berangkat pada sabtu pagi jam enam. Perjalanan Jakarta-Jeddah sekitar 9 jam. 

Dikarenakan tujuan utama adalah Mekkah bukan Madinah, maka niat umroh dan miqotnya sudah dilaksanakan di atas pesawat. Kita tidak boleh masuk Mekkah tanpa salah satu niat melakukan umroh  atau haji. Ada batasan jarak tertentu dimana kita harus sudah berihram dan diberlakukan larangan-larangan ihram. Untuk jamaah haji Indonesia yang datang dari Jakarta, miqot ada dua piliha  yaitu ketika pesawat melewati bukit Yalam-lam atau di bandara Jeddah, sedangkan yang dari Madinah adalah di Bir Ali.

Sangat disarankan bagi perempuan untuk naik Haji dengan laki-laki yang jadi mahram, bisa suami, ayah, atau adik laki-laki. Adik ipar bukan mahram ya. Di antara semua anggota KBIH, hanya saya yang dinterogasi petugas imigrasi cukup lama. 

Kenapa?

Umur saya sih ngga muda (muda banget), tapi dengan badan kecil dan muka yang keliatan kurang meyakinkan ini (ngga sesuai umur maksudnya), petugas imigrasinya jadi meragukan apa saya cukup umur. 

Semua anggota rombongan perempuan yang tanpa didampingi laki-laki mahramnya lewat-lewat aja. Cuma saya yang setengah dibentak-bentak ditanya: where’s your husband? Saya geleng. Father? Geleng juga. Alhamduliah saya masih diberi kemampuan berpikir cepet, ketika ditanya brother, saya langsung panggil ketua rombongan saya yang emang masih muda dan belum kawin.

Waktu itu Alhamdulillah juga belum dalam ihram. Karena kalo saya terpaksa bohong, sangat ngga nyaman. Saya bilang ke petugasnya, kalo saya pergi dengan orang ini. Saya ngga bilang itu kakak saya juga. Tapi, memang benar kan saya pergi dengan ketua rombongan saya. 

Lewat imigrasi, terbitlah antri kamar mandi yang cukup melelahkan. Tapi ngga ada pilihan karena sudah harus niat Ihram dan berihram. Di bandara jeddah hanya untuk transit untuk kemudian melanjutkan perjalanan ke Mekkah melalui jalur darat dengan bis selama kurang lebih 3-4 jam.

Ketika kita memilih naik ONH biasa, ekspektasi kita pun harus terukur. Perjalanan dari Jeddah ke Mekkah bukan seperti perjalanan karya wisata dengan bis besar yang harum dan dingin. Rejeki saya waktu itu adalah bis kecil seperti kopaja ato metro mini. Tanpa AC, kursi sempit, dan supir yang jago ngebut.

Selain merapal kalimat talbiyah, zikir yang paling saya sering ucapkan selama disana adalah Laa Haula wala quwwata illa billah. Tiada daya saya dan kekuatan saya tanpa pertolongan Allah.

Sampai di Mekkah, jangan dibayangkan bisa langsung masuk kamar dan rebahan setelah perjalanan yang sangat panjang dan melelahkan. Masih ada pembagian kamar dan pengurusan kunci dan hal-hal lain yang minimal baru bisa selesai dalam sejam. 

Satu hal yang paling disyukuri adalah mendapatkan teman sekamar yang baik dan sesuai dengan cara-cara hidup kita. Bayangkan akan tinggal bersama dalam satu kamar selama sebulan dengan orang yang ngga buat kita nyaman. 

Kisah nyata di rombongan saya, dua orang ibu-ibu paruh baya yang hampir tiap hari bermasalah sampai ketua rombongan pun harus turun tangan. Sesimpel masalah yang satu tidak bisa tidur dengan AC, yang lain harus dengan AC, lampu nyala dan mati, dsb. Salah satu dari mereka, alih-alih menghabiskan waktu ke mesjid untuk ibadah-ibadah, terpaksa menghabiskan waktu di kamar karena flu parah karena AC. Sedih bukan?

Urusan kamar beres sudah malam. Tapi, tugas belum tunai. Masih berada dalam keadaan ihram yang artinya masih harus menyelesaikan umroh. Diputuskan untuk menyelesaikan umroh malam itu juga supaya besok bisa istirahat.

Ritual umroh yang harus dilakukan adalah Thawaf, Sa’i dan Tahalul. Perjalanan dari maktab (tempat tinggal) ke Masjidil Haram cukup jauh. Karena waktu itu baru sampai dan belum bisa cari tau tentang apapun, kami serombongan jalan kaki dengan.menggunakan sisa energi yang ada. Jaraknya mungkin sekitar 3-4km ya. Cukup lumayan.

Sensasi melihat Ka’bah dengan mata kepala sendiri itu salah satu hal yang paling tidak bisa dijelaskan dengan kata-kata. Biarpun sudah tiga kali ke tempat itu, ngga mengurangi rasa yang ada di dada. Seperti semua lelah yang sudah dijalani dua hari ke belakang tanpa istirahat yang memadai, terbayar lunas ketika tau kita sudah sampai di tujuan kita. Di pusat terkuat hati semua manusia.  

Sepenuh apapun lantai paling bawah, saya tetap memilih Thawaf di sana dibandingkan naik ke lantai-lantai di atas. Selain jarak yang juga lebih jauh, saya mau lihat Ka’bah dengan jelas tiap Thawaf. 

Saya cukup tau diri dengan ukuran badan mini ini, akan sulit bersaing dengan jamaah-jamaah haji negara lain. Jadi saya ngga pernah memaksa untuk ke tengah. Karena semakin dekat Ka’bah, arusnya semakin padat dengan tingkat berdesakan yang tinggi. Saya bisa kehilangan nafas kalo nekat. Ketika Thawaf seiring dengan perputaran kita akan terbawa arus ke tengah. Saya akan membiarkan sampai saya rasa ngga mampu lagi dan mulai keluar. 

Sa’i secara tempat lebih nyaman karena garis lurus dan berAC. Tapi secara jarak, bolak balik Shafa Marwa cukup menguras tenaga. Saya pasti akan ambil jeda untuk duduk dan minum air zam-zam di putaran ke empat.

Saya, ibu saya dan beberapa anggota rombongan menyelesaikan umroh kami pada minggu dini hari dan sampai kembali ke maktab (tetap jalan kaki) jam 3.30 pagi. Waktu itu sudah tumpul rasanya otak. Tidur pun udah ngga bisa.

Karena sudah tinggal 2-3 hari menjelang wukuf dan keadaan Masjidil Haram sudah sangat padat, kami dianjurkan untuk tinggal di maktab sampai tiba waktu wukuf. Karena jelas wukuf dan beberapa hari ke depan adalah inti dari ibadah Haji. Bahkan, pemerintah Saudi mengirimkan SMS khusus untuk menghimbau agar jamaah haji memgurangi frekuensi mengunjungi Masjidil Haram karena kepadatanya dan menganjurkan untuk fokus ke wukuf dalam berapa hari.

Sisa dua hari sebelum wukuf saya mempersiapkan semua keperluan seperti minuman, makanan ringan, baju ganti, handuk, tiker lipet. Selain Wukuf di Arafah, akan ada Mabit di Muzdalifah, lalu dilanjutkan dengan bermalam di Mina selama tiga hari dan kembali ke Mekkah untuk Thawaf, Sai, dan Tahalul. Rangkaian ini dilakukan nonstop selama kurang lebih 4-5 hari. Jadi, ini seperti trip kecil dalam 40 hari tersebut, yang merupakan inti dari semua ibadah yang dilakukan selama 40 hari. Haji yang sebenarnya akan dimulai dalam beberapa hari.

Sepertinya terlalu panjang kalo dijadiin dalam satu tulisan. Saya akan lanjut di post berikutnya di sini

Posted in Thoughts

Stormy Days

If, this one were written few days ago, the title would be ‘The Shittiest Days in Four Years’.  Then, it’s good to write this today so this blog will keep its proper language and stay polite.

 
The last one week have been the most stormy days in my four years of marriage. Something happened and it totally turned the table. Messy, broken, and seemed to be irrepairable. Maybe it wasn’t great deal for some people, but for me, it matters the world. Won’t go for any details here, of course. 

What happens in a marriage, stay between those two who are married.

I rarely talk about things related to my relationship. For no reason. Even in the real conversation with friends, I don’t talk much about it. 

For some people, this might sound a bit weird, but it happened to me. I have never been a big fan of any heart-to-heart relationship with anyone. One thing I am always bad is being in a relationship. That explains why I had no one to be called ex-boyfriend(s).

Dealing with others feeling is a heavy burden for me. The very first time someone asked me to be in a relationship with him during junior high school, then I knew, this one was surely not my thing.

I didn’t find being tangled with someone for unclear purpose was enjoyable. In my junior high school girl head and heart,I asked myself (and few of my friends),what was the purpose of having a boyfriend at this age?

To be happy? I was already.

To have some companions? I had enough.

To share your thoughts when you were happy and sad? Hm, I prefered a diary.

To experience dating? Hm, didn’t think it’s necessary and I was busy enough with my piano course and others.

My parents were surely againts this one too. At first, I thought I did it because my parents didn’t allow it. But, even until college, I still didn’t find any strong reasons for doing this, no matter how many times I received the offers and who had offered it.

Sounds like bragging a lot? I wasn’t and absolutely am not. It was uncomfortable. Totally.

I once think it might be because I hadn’t had the right person asked me yet. But, even after it happened, that wasn’t really the case. It was all on me. Relationship was just not my cup of tea.

We, le husband and I, had been through ten years of any kind of relationships form before we’re finally married. Long ten years of hardships and mostly it came from my side. I once wrote in one of the posts, we had been through every kind of relationship problems, except the religion difference. You name it, we had it.

I didn’t actually understand how I had survived those ten years. I even had one ultimate question that I had been constantly asked in my head and in my prayers, 

“These hardships that we have been through, are these the signs that we are not good for each other or these what we should take for us to be together for good?”

It was confusing though. They said if something is good for you, then Allah will make it easier. But, on the other hand, nothing good comes easy. So? 

But then, in the end, whatever we had been through, we always end up together. As if we had done each exams that have been assigned to us for our relationship and passed, then we’re allowed to proceed to the next level.

When I  finally agreed to marry le husband, it took me two full years doing lots of thinking and being in very least contact with him. I could see that my heart thought no one other than him to be together in the future, but I didn’t think it was enough to make me take a huge step such a marriage. 

For me, marriage takes and needs more of your head than your heart. I had seen enough examples what becomes of women when they used too much heart in their marriage. 

I agreed  and was brave enough to finally marry le husband by considering some qualities in him, his family, our similarities and differences, the way we view and value things, and so on. 

I assured my heart, I would regret more if I didn’t not take this chance than being hurt because I took the chance. 

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During these four years, we surely have quarels, big and small fights, disagreements, and any kind of problems. We surely have our good times too. We enjoyed each other presence and absence, although sometimes it could feel a bit stuffy, especially for me. But, any problems that happened before could be solved within few days and we were okay.

Until this one ‘big’ storm hit us last week.

It turned my (our) world up and down. We had been quarelling, arguing, and fighting hard. We ‘talked’ so much until at some point I thought I couldn’t take this any longer. Lots of bad thoughts appeared inside my head, lots of bad words came from my mouth, I couldn’t think clearly for days and felt absolutely like living in the hell.

It took countless of bad and hard times until we’re able to manage to talk like two grown up adults. Talked about where we did wrong, what we should improve in the future, found any possible ways to survive for us alone,within ourselves, not only because of other things.

When I am finally able to write this here, I really hope we both learn our lessons. I hope this one was big enough for us to do some significant improvements to have  better skills in our relationship. 

I won’t pinpoint the faults to any of us (here). One might do a bigger fault than the other. But as I always believe, it takes two people to make a marriage works and it also takes two when it doesn’t work (either for a while or forever).

It makes me even more certain about what to tell to those who would go for a marriage. 

Don’t sign up for one without enough preparations, careful considerations, tons of prayers, families’ approvals, and mapping the worst risks that could happen in the future. Eventhough you felt like you did all those above, it wouldn’t go any easier during hard times. 

Once we’re in, try our best to close our eyes for any possible exit doors exist, no matter how hard it is. It was freaking hard.

We won’t last without the help from our one and only protector, Allah The Almighty. We would never be strong enough to through this without the strength given from The One who is holding every heart of every human being alive.

In more earthly and humanly words, maybe marriage is about managing our ownselves and expectation to deal with our spouse’s strength and weakness, rights and wrong, to stretch our heart bigger to let go what has happened then go on to make the wheels keep running well (enough). 

Smoothly? You wish. 

Guess, I have said these enough. Writing does help a lot.

Till then.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

The World Against (Y)Our Introverted-Child

It’s been quite some time I have been thinking about some matters related to the baby class we’re currently joined in. Since it’s not a review, I wouldn’t spell the name.

This class is where the parents are also participating in the class. The facilitators are child psychologists that help you to explain the activities and then they give the job for every family to do it. It is just once a week class for an hour, on weekend. It should be good one at our first expectation.

After two terms joining this class, we realize something about Langit. She is the type who can’t and actually won’t join any activities that don’t give her enough interest.While the other kids are sitting with their parents doing the activites that have been assigned to them, she makes us busy chasing her here and there. Last term, she was really interested in little broomstick around the corner. So, everytime we come to the class, she went to the back of the corner and took the broomstick.

It was surely beyond our expectation knowing our little girl is this type of student. But, worse part about this one, it is enough to make one of the so-called psychologist doesn’t (really) favour her until at the point of ‘leaving’ her behind. I realized this thing after few first weeks of the class but didn’t talk any of it to anyone. The only thing for sure, whenever Sunday came, I felt something hard on my chest,even harder when le husband is not around.

The bell rang when one day le husband threw one sentence told me that certain facilitator didn’t really like her. Ouch, it’s stung and hurt, knowing even le husband who was occasionally absent realized it too. Then, it was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?

As I was being a teacher myself twice in a school, I know this type of student is surely not teacher’s favorite. But then, it was a huge heart-breaking when this type of student is your own child. This class is not only excluding the baby, but also make us feel like an outcast parents. The judgmental look was there and said it all.

However, joining this class also gives something good for us. It’s eye opener and mind-enlighting. We become knowing our baby better and what kind of things we should improve as parents.

Long before, I know Langit is absolutely an introverted-child. She likes being with herself and doesn’t really fond of others, especially strangers’ presence. She doesn’t like to be touched by others too. Even when she and me of are being in the same room, she can play by herself.

She is an observer. She’s not the type who learn things obviously doing trial and error in front of people. She will observe first and then doing it without others knowing. Like going up and down through the stairs all by herself safely, for instance. While most of other children around her age still need assistance and guidance when they’re climbing stairs, Langit has been doing it all alone for some time and it has been okay, Alhamdulillah. Others may say I am careless. But, before that, they just have to witness how the baby is doing it.

In the future, it’s our homework to help her make things work when she should have to be in other circle but home. Being introverted is not something you should ask everyone to understand.

It’s okay to be an observer, but there will come the time when she has to sit, listen and do what she has been assigned. It’s okay if she’s not interested in something, but there are still rules that she has to obey, whether she likes it or not. It’s okay to enjoy herself alone, but there are things that she can only achieve better when she is doing it with other people.

Knowing there are some people who don’t really fond of your cute little daughter exist is surely on another level of heart-breaking. I believe, she will even have to face this kind of people alone later.

It’s not our job to make everyone love her because she is being what she is. But, it’s our job to prevent he to be intentionally unlikeable because of what she does to others and how to deal with this kind of things. She will later learn and understand these kind of people are present to give her lesson and toughen her. She just have to use her brain and heart to overcome this.

It seems that looking for a formal school in the next few years should be carefully selected from now. At least, having teachers who have the least willing to understand every students differences would be a great help to us as parents and the baby herself. How I wish to meet a teacher like the one in this article.

Well, it’s Monday though. Let’s start working (on our problems) now.
Bon Lundi!

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

My Mother, The Keeper

My mother was one the most visioner person I have ever known. Her thoughts were mostly beyond what others could see. Most of the time, everything that she said in present time, likely to be true in the future.

She liked to keep things that she thought will be useful in the future. Not a short term one but a very long time in the future. Thanks to her, I saved a lot of money from buying some important baby stuffs. These are not only something small like clothes or sheets, but things that you couldn’t buy at the same quality  even if you do have the money to buy it. These things have been kept for years neatly and nicely.


The crib has been here for more than 30 years. Me and my siblings have our pictures taken inside this crib. Not only us, some of our cousins used this crib too. Langit is lucky enough to be the first grandchild in the family so she has the chance to sleep in this legendary bed.

This rattan play yard was bought when my cousin was born 10 years ago. My mum bought it with the thought her daughters would surely need this once they had  babies themselves. See,  she was rarely wrong. Langit enjoys being inside this box a lot. It will soon being moved to my little sister’s house since she needs it more than us when her second child  is coming.


Well, this one is freshly built this afternoon. After my sister texted that she would take the rattan box by next week, I keep thinking the replacement of that box. Although it is no longer urgent to keep Langit inside a box, I like the idea of keeping her personal space where she can play and rest, both upstairs and downstairs.

I keep searching any alternatives to replace the box and thinking of buying the second one. But, most of those were above my budget. I don’t eager to spend on something that is not really urgent.

Then, the idea came. Instead of play yard or similar thing, I thought about a baby pool. A large one. But again, it’s quite weird putting a pool inside the house. It doesn’t look good for me. Until I remembered about this tent.

It has been here for 26 years. It was bought in 1994 when we stayed in Manchester for two months. We used to play it often when we were young. We really loved it. It wasn’t big so we had fights deciding who would sleep inside the tent.

The good old memories were flooding inside my mind while me and le husband built this one together. It gives warmth remembering the good old days we had and it is such a pleasure to share this happiness to Langit. She looked so happy and couldn’t help keep smiling when the tent was ready with all her toys inside. 

Unlike the current trend nowadays where people do pre-loved sales of their used things like bags, clothes, shoes, my mother often reminded us not to sell things that we have bought. It’s either you keep it or you pass it to other when you’re no longer use it. She was strongly against getting money from selling our stuff, whether when we’re in need of money or not. So, until now, we send out a box or two of unused clothes, shoes, bags, or tableware every few months and give it to our regular recipients.

Along with that kind of mindset, a good taste also follows. Those bags, shoes, clothes, cupboard, bed sheets, or whatever it is, I don’t know how she found such good quality and chic ones. She truly had good eyes. Last four years, I haven’t bought any shoes and bags. The real shoes and bags. I have been using hers. Luckily, we have the same shoes size.

Whenever I think about my mum, I can’t help being emotional thinking how lucky I am having her as my mother and how desperate I am to be as good as her to my daughter.

I had my greatest honour as a child of being able to be next to my mother on her last days. I wish to have another one as a mother. 

I wish to be remembered like I remember my mother by my child(ren). Whenever they think about me, they will be happy and proud of having me as their mother.

Way to go and hopefully I’ll get there. Amin.