The past few years, I have been experiencing a lot of good relationships that turn sour, for many reasons.
Nothing lasts forever has been my evergreen favorite quote, but when things happen it’s never easy to recover from the pain and loss.
Whenever things get hard, the question in mind is always be, “What chapter that Allah wants me to learn right now?”.
The dark side of such experiences is the more understanding of how complex a human being is. You can know someone for years, have a good relationship for decades, yet, there are still possibilities that everything will turn into crumbs when you least expect it. It happens in any kind of ships where you’re invested enough emotionally.
In this kind of situation, more than grieving, I am more curious about the how and the why. I am always curious about human behavior and the reason why people do what they do. The explanation of last post is one of them that I could agree with.
I once wrote being an adult is hard. The older I get, the more I found being a decent adult is the true hard.
An adult who knows right from wrong.
An adult who understands how to set boundaries.
An adult who is sincerely considerate of others when they’re not in the room.
An adult who has certain level of conscience that prevents the wrong-doing when no one is watching.
While the bright side is those losses I have experienced feel like trials to test my internal systems. During turbulence, I am watching how my body, mind and soul deal with the external unplanned and unexpected events. Are they solid enough? Are they able to keep me functioning normally amidst the chaos? Or they just broke down by the slightest minor inconvenience?
It’s been tested through and through, having solid habits do help a lot. While certain parts inside are incredibly messy, the habits become the structure that keeps me standing. I also learned how powerful the mind is to decide which perspective to take when to deal with the issue.
I put myself on the bench too. What have I done to trigger the circumstances? Apparently, the most logical explanation is that how people treat you reflects them, not others, and there’s nothing you can do to control that.
The only thing we control is our response. It’s really hard to think critically, to respond calmly, and to keep your feet on the ground. Zoom out to make the problem shrink and tell yourself, “Let it go”.
I also saw the importance of possessing selective empathy. Empathy is a finite currency. We need to be strategically detached from anything and anyone except our Creator. Infinite empathy can lead to burnout and manipulation.
In economic terms, it’s important to assess the ROI of emotional investment. If a relationship doesn’t offer the same level of respect and reciprocity, we can cut the cord, literally or emotionally, without guilt.
Doing some cognitive conservation and reserve empathy for the right thing/people is the way to avoid self-bankruptcy.
We shouldn’t allow emotional parasites to steal our energy to do the more important thing.
Last but not least, I think the most important lesson is that we are on our own. I think it is really important to master the skill of enjoying solitude in adulthood.
We are social mammals to a certain degree. But to enjoy our own company, to sit with our own selves and thoughts, is as important as having some people around. To feel enough inside, so there’s no need to chase approval outside.
Life begins in solitude.
It ends with solitude too.
Solitude is something that a human being should practice sitting with regularly.
It makes me breathe harder when I think of my daughter. Am I able to deliver such a hard lesson that our kindness is a gift to be earned, not a right to be demanded by others?
But, the reality tells me lessons in adulthood are something that can only be understood by having firsthand experience.
I hope Allah will make it easier for her.
Amin.
