Category: Thoughts

Have you ever heard that term?

Nope?

Of course, I haven’t too. Until few minutes before started writing this post. The term just suddenly popped out in my mind. Nothing about new theory, just the term I think suits me best.

I read and heard many kind of parenting concepts these days. Helicopter, simple, reflective, authorative, and so on. All have its own theory. In spite of any terms, I believe every parents can’t be categorized in only one term. I believe each parents are a little bit of this and that. But, it’s likely that they are more into one category than the other ones. Of course, I am one too.

When I reflect along this one year parent Langit, what I have been doing most is flashing back. The way I parent Langit, most decisions made, many of them were according my flash back thinking. Since I can’t ask my role model personally, that’s the best thing I can do. I keep flashing back my mother’s words, actions, values, even the smallest things that she unintentionally did, but taught me lessons as well.

So, that explains lot now why I can’t help writing any posts without my mum being mentioned. Although my relationship with her hadn’t always been good and smooth, but I have been so grateful. Even more grateful because I had the honor to be the one whom she spent her very last days with. Even even more, spent it at the best place on earth. My last hug with her was during thawaf wada’ in front of Ka’bah.

Apart from my mother’s influence, other person whose the influence had some impacts too was my grandmother. My mum’s mother. She was the kindest person for me. She had lovely scent and I loved kissing her a lot. I loved and adored the way she did her prayers. I remembered clearly how I enjoyed doing five times prayer with her. The way she recited the do’a was very calming. The most remarkable trait I remembered about her was cleanliness. Other than kind, she was very very very clean. Oh, and tidy! Her bed, cupboard, every inch in her house was the cleanest.

The origin of my rule about no playing in the bed was from her. Langit is only being on the bed when she is sleeping. Other than that, she should play outside. Actually, le husband is also prohibited. But, yah, it’s negotiable with him.

My grandmother was very good at cooking and … playing cards. Haha! We had this routine family vacation to Cipanas where there was a villa owned by my dad’s workplace. For three days of staying there, what we continously did was playing cards. We only had a break for lunch and pray. Other than that everyone was sitting on the carpet holding cards and bragging the joker they had. And my grandmother was the one who was really eager of playing. All the time. Hahaha. Neskii, I.miss you so much:(

My grandma went in the same year as my mum did. In the same day, same date, by eight months difference. While my mum left on Friday, Nov 30, my grandma went on Friday, March 30. It was one of my biggest regret that I didn’t attend her funeral. I was still in UPM at that time. I was about going home in few days at that time. Received that news, I came home early. On the night before she went, I remembered I couldn’t sleep at all. I was very nervous, anxious, and felt so uneasy all night. I have been always like that when something unpleasant was about going to happen. That time, the answer came at 5 am. When my phone rang and my mom’s name appeared on the monitor, I already knew that it would be the worst news she was going to deliver. I even cried before my mum said anything. As if I knew my grandma had gone already.

It was a non stop crying day for me. I cried all day. I went home the next day and still couldn’t stop crying. Even crying more when I landed and le husband picked me up at the airport then sent me to my grandma’s house. It was crying all the way. Knew that I was no longer able to see her and even didn’t have a chance to say goodbye properly was heart-breaking.

Then, maybe this post should be called Flash back parent and grandparent-ing.

Today is happened to be December 22. It’s a mother day in Indonesia. So, this one suits that well. Happy mother’s day to both greatest mothers in my life. I love you both so much. One of my biggest desire is hoping that I am able to be at least as good as both of you, as a person and a mother as well.

Ah, of course, Happy mother’s day too, dear me. (Keep trying hard to) be a great one too!

I will.

I spent a very intense relationship on my mom last days. Although I was pursuing my master abroad on 2012, once I finished in August, I became almost inseparable with my mom. We had so many things to do, Hajj, engagement, and the wedding, which were taking place within short interval from one to another. She was doing  all those preparations with her sickness which was getting worse as the Hajj coming.

Several days before our departure, I spent days going back and forth to hospital to accompanied her with all test. She even wanted to canceled her departure just two days before and drew it back on the next days. She went Hajj with enduring the pain and sickness.

And me, I went Hajj enduring the stress, which a high level one, Hajj with a sick person. When others were enjoying their Hajj like a holiday, mine was more like a bussiness trip with tight schedule. I didn’t want to miss the prayers too much at Haram just because I had to take care of her. I spent years to be here. I wanted to do the Hajj well without neglecting her.

So, I woke up very early to make sure I had done everything before leaving for the mosque. Made her the breakfast, cutting some fruits, and prepared everything she needed then I left for tahajud, subuh, until dhuha. Between subuh and dhuha, I was going for thawaf. And I was doing all that alone. No companions at all. It was the ultimate me-time I have ever had.

Finished dhuha, I ran quickly outside the mosque to catch the bus back to the apartment. It was time for my mom’s second meal. Near the apartment, I bought something like kebuli rice and lamb curry for us to eat. I skipped zuhur and ashar at Haram. Instead, I chose maghrib to isya. Thus, during that time, I did all the work again so I could leave peacefully.

Really, went Hajj with your sick mother was nothing easy at all. Five days of the Hajj rituals were one of the hardest day I have ever been through. Not only fighting with other million thousands people, more, it was the fight with yourself to be ikhlas.

Two days after arriving back home, my mom was admitted to the hospital. She spent two weeks there. I spent 12 out of 13 days at the hospital. I stayed with her all night, fed her, helped her to go bathroom, cleaned up her pee and poo, even on her last days, when she was no longer able to clean her ass by herself, I was doing it for her. She refused at first, but I said it was really okay.

I once tweeted this :
Taking care your parents in their old age is not a responsibility. It is pretty much an honour.

I really meant it. It was a greatest honour to hear your mother said that she only wanted me to stay with her at night since I was the only one who woke up in an instant once I heard she called. I was the one who felt comfortable cleaning her poo and pee, even cleaning her ass for her.

I didn’t do those to hear that. I just hoped to reduce her pain. It broke my heart everytime I saw she endured all the pain. I didn’t remember when was crying became a daily activity other than those days.

The greatest of the greatest was, I was the one who witnessed the vey last seconds of her life. I was the one who first noticed her saturated oxygen dropped very low, then I was the one who ran into hear ear to whisper tahlil and syahadat. Until her last breath.

After she has gone, I continue taking care of my dad. Not only about the meals, but even for those small things like toping up his phone credit. I always put him first, even before Langit and le husband. I do really care about how he feels. I am often afraid that he feels lonely being without my mom. Eventough  sometimes it feels tired, but I can’t deny I enjoy taking care of him. I can’t help feeling that he deserves as good as what my mom had from me. Thus, as long as possible, I really want to do well for him.

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Is it pure me who is talking above?

To be honest, last days with my mom, I felt that I wasn’t my self during those days. The one who was me wasn’t that brave, kind, and patient. I even wondered where that kind of attitude came from. I felt like something made me those things. Something beyond my control.

Then, it’s only after three years, It becomes clear.

After three years, I finally understand, although I believe she didn’t want to trouble me in any possible ways, there are things beyond our control. And as a verse is saying that one will never get other than what he works for, so was my mom. She just received the payment of her work through me.

After three years, I find a lot of answers to my long lost questions as a child.

After three years, a one year daughter was sent to me to show me just a tiny part that my mom had been through in raising me well.

After three years, I finally understand why we could never repay our mother with anything we have, why mothers have three times bigger portion than a father.

After three years, I finally found a perfect reason to survive and do all those hard works my mom once did.

And why that ustad words hit me hard.

I was moved by all the hard works my parents were doing to me in the past.

Action equals to reaction.

For what I am now, the good ones of course, all credit goes to my mother, my mother, my mother, and my father.